she said: i woke up from a sex dream today moaning. does that ever
happen to you?

i said: the most memorable sex dream i've ever had i woke up screaming
because sharon stone's pussy had teeth.

we sat there at oskars, the two of us, enjoying a winter lunch, catching up on old times. we started talking about numbers. that's when he mentioned the fact that he could only have sex with people that he could hold a decent conversation with, which was why his numbers were so low at his age. i thought about it for a minute. then i decided that i also could only have sex with people that i could hold a decent conversation with and yet, my numbers were through the roof.
and that's when he looked at me and said very calmly..."well, maybe you're just a great conversationalist."
and i have to admit...i think he might be right...

...and the wardrobe...

the weather had been beautiful when we first started out. but now it was pouring rain as we sat at one of the outside tables on canal street, holding our beers under the table to prevent them from being watered down. no umbrellas.
i thought about the first time we met and how i was on the floor laughing as he told me of a regular customer of his...an old man who swore that not only had he been in the french foreign legion, but he knew 80 ways to kill a man using only his thumbs.
now, five years later we are sitting in the rain, shooting the shit. he says "i will never be a person that can put on a suit and take a 9 to 5 job, lisa. i just can't do it. i don't have it in me."
i said "maybe you should consider becoming a flight attendant."
"well, from everything you say, it has it's benefits. but i don't think i'm gay enough."
"oh. yeah. i hadn't really taken that into consideration..."
"i'm so far back in the closet i am practically in Narnia."
i laughed a little. at what he said. then i looked around at where we were. canal street. manchester. uk. at a table outside. i looked at the windows of the bar we were at. the bar that he chose. and i see the name of the venue painted in huge letters across the front: Q U E E R

i wanted a bottle of champagne and a straw.

what i got was 4 half litres of beer at 13.5%
8 of us went out drinking at 1pm.
7 of us blacked out by about 5pm.
all of us woke up in our respective rooms, lights on, clothes on somewhere around midnight.
all of us showed up well rested in the morning.
all in all, it was a pretty good day.

intheclouds

i woke up on final decent yesterday. i kind of stretched out and looked out the window. at first i thought the clouds were really low that day. then i realized it was snow. it's easy to forget that it snows in other places.

my uncle picked me up from the airport and we drove out to the backroads to the countryside inbetween rochester and buffalo, ny. woodburning stoves. barns. horses. chickens. ducks. cats the size of cows. frosted windows and jugs of carlo rossi.

i had been gone for such a long time. it's sometimes hard for me to even imagine that this is what i came from. and where i came from. i don't really know if i want to leave.

sometimes serendipity

thanksgiving night i had a dream that my roommate and i lived in a huge, beautiful, open spaced house on the ocean. all the walls were coming in at different angles and different shapes. the windows looked out onto the low tide, the rocks by the shore, and the boats in the distance. we were painting all the walls bright different colors in preparation for a party that we were going to throw. throughout the day friends would stop by to check on our progress and say hello.
one of the people was a boyfriend of mine from austin that i no longer have contact with. he came in and sat down. we talked for a long time and then he stood up, hugged me and left.
in real life i haven't spoken to him in several years, though not by my choice. i think about him often and care about him a lot still.
i told my roommate of my dream and how i was thinking of contacting the boyfriend just to see how he was doing. because the dream was so nice. she asked who it was and when i told her she said "do not email him." and i knew she was right.

several days later i went to austin on a very spur of the moment visit. my flight got in late tuesday night and my girlface picked me up and we went out for a drink and then went to a party around the corner from our house. it was 3am.

i walked out of the bathroom and was surprised to see a close, old friend of mine. he hugged me and then said that the previously mentioned boyfriend was right behind me. he told me i should go to him. talk to him. hug him. i thought it probably wasn't a good idea.
but if there was ever going to be a moment.

i got his attention with "hi dan". he looked up at me and the first thing out of his mouth was "oh, fuck."

i guess now i really know not to email him. message sent.

turkey dinner.

he was returning my phone call. we talked for a long time. it was really good to catch up with him. and as i was thinking that he says to me "i should have knocked you up while i had the chance."
at first i am a little too confused to speak. but i manage to come back.
"ummm. hon, what do you mean 'while you had the chance?' we've never had sex. in fact, we've never even dated. i don't know how you would have planned on doing that."
"dixie cup and a turkey baster, my dear. dixie cup and a turkey baster."

god, miletus. you're really sick sometimes, you know that?