guaranteed fresh

i just went to the vending machine and bought a bag of cheetos. guaranteed fresh until printed date. the date is JAN 16. i don't remember which wong kar wai movie it was...chung king express? his girlfriend breaks up with him on april fool's day, so he goes around buying cans of pineapple with a may first expiration date, at which point he feels she will either come back to him or his feelings for her will turn. and then may first passes and he can't find anymore cans with that expiration date.
it makes me want to go buy all the bags of cheetos with a JAN 16 guaranteed fresh until.
JAN 16 is my birthday.

today is the day. former LP, ms. alison arrives at 4:50pm. the agenda is as follows: dance party, funfunfun, dance party, knife throwing, thrifting, dance party, knitting, bbq, mexican food, dance party. i wonder if this is the beginning to yet another incredibly unhealthy relationship. i seem to be so good at them.

the squirrelicorn

i got an antler out of freddy's truck and i am seriously contemplating wearing it tied around my head after i get the squirrel-suit from dion. then it will be like a cross between the picture that accurately represents my feelings about being in love and max from how the grinch stole christmas.
tis the season.
i can't wait.

five second rule

my house is so fucking clean right now. you could eat off the floor...it's probably cleaner than my plates. my hands are cracked and bleeding from the cleaning products and being submerged in water for extended periods of time. there are no more dustbunnies. my cat doesn't know where she is. she's extremely bored. my lawn is mowed. i watched countless hours of benny hill on thanksgiving day.
gobble gobble.

house cleaning

my bathroom looks like a totally different place now that i removed the precariously placed shelving unit that existed above the toilet. i certainly did not feel like the hostess with the mostest when i heard it crashing down on my unsuspecting house guest as they were taking a piss.

i feel like a bit of a slacker knowing this whole time that i've had the tools and the skills to build something more stable and aesthetically appealing, but have really just been lazy and unmotivated for the past three years. i can't even imagine what i would be like if i smoked pot.

the harlot makes her life seem appealing:

but what happens when your seven-headed-horned-liger-leopard turns on you?

the memory project

The Memory Project is a program through which artists volunteer to create original portraits of/for children living in orphanages around the world. Given these children's frequent history of neglect, abuse and abandonment, such a keepsake is pretty much invaluable in instilling a sense of identity and heritage. The project is largely advertised as being directed toward high school art students, but college students, amateur or professional artists may also volunteer--the only requirement is sufficient skill and creativity to produce a well-executed, thoughtful and original portrait that will be valuable to the recipient for its quality as well as its sentiment.

more info at the memory project

i'm in love

and this is an accurate representation of what it feels like:

my first tumbleweed

it's crazy windy today. when i was riding up congress, around 2nd and 3rd streets where the parking lots are it was like the wild west. high winds, dust blowing everywhere. i expected to see a tumbleweed go blowing across congress. i halfway expected it to be me on my bike blowing head over wheels across the street. there'll probably be a shoot out at high noon.
i remember seeing my first tumbleweed ever. it was in marfa about 4 years ago. dan and i were driving through town. it was the middle of the afternoon on martin luther king day, or something. everything was closed. one came tumbling in front of us. i desperately wanted to jump out of the van and chase it. catch it and bring it home. raise it as part of the family. the next year we took lots of videos.
tumbleweed. they look just like they do in the movies.

it's definitely a gremlin

on saturday i was in my house when the radio suddenly turned on on it's own. i'm really glad i was there for that. it eliminates the stalker option. i've since scattered shiny pennies across my house hoping it will prevent the fucker from taking any more of my shit.

we've been moving our cell space around for the past few days in preparation for the arrival of the hag-beast. you can imagine the excitement.

mike: "lana's ex-husband has been getting himself into trouble?"
lisa b: "you mean rex?"
mike: "yeah. he's been arrested a couple of times in past month. i'm sure glad lana's not married to him any more. what a weirdo."
lisa b: "well, mike, no offense, but lana's pretty weird too."
mike: "yeah, but lisa, lana smokes crack. rex doesn't have an excuse. at least lana has drugs to blame it on."
lisa b: "you've got a point mike. i didn't really think of that."

gremlin or stalker?

i came home two nights in a row to find my radio on. i never leave my radio on. the next day i locked my door and it didn't happen. if you are a gremlin i want my glasses and kung fu shoe back. if you are a stalker i want my glasses and my kung fu shoe back. if you are a stalker, there are definitely less creepy ways to share space with me. ask anyone.

stars in my eyes

i paid a visit to the boys at stars in your eyes today during lunch. that's where i bought my glasses 7 years ago. i was hoping they would somehow have the same frames or something similar at least. when i went in and told them about losing my glasses he said "lisa, i still have a pair of those frames. they were discontinued long ago, but they sold so well when they came out that i bought a bunch. i have one set left. i'll save them for you."
those guys are great. it was like my birthday. totally awesome. trying to find new frames sucks.

lil' mantis...or lil' loca?

raul took my innocence. why he gotta be so scand-lus?

i took a kung fu class with a bunch of 8 year olds yesterday. in the interest of jenn daly's emotional well being i will not mention the sitcom that it reminded me of. i ended up doing quite a few push ups though...after that class i stayed for the next class and got hit in the face with a small sand bag...and i had to do more push-ups. i love being humiliated on a daily basis. seriously.

i know why my diaphram hurts

kung fu kicked my fucking ass last night. sifu stood in front of me the whole class. and i learned that push-ups as punishment for fucking up is great motivation to not fuck up.