intheclouds

i woke up on final decent yesterday. i kind of stretched out and looked out the window. at first i thought the clouds were really low that day. then i realized it was snow. it's easy to forget that it snows in other places.

my uncle picked me up from the airport and we drove out to the backroads to the countryside inbetween rochester and buffalo, ny. woodburning stoves. barns. horses. chickens. ducks. cats the size of cows. frosted windows and jugs of carlo rossi.

i had been gone for such a long time. it's sometimes hard for me to even imagine that this is what i came from. and where i came from. i don't really know if i want to leave.

sometimes serendipity

thanksgiving night i had a dream that my roommate and i lived in a huge, beautiful, open spaced house on the ocean. all the walls were coming in at different angles and different shapes. the windows looked out onto the low tide, the rocks by the shore, and the boats in the distance. we were painting all the walls bright different colors in preparation for a party that we were going to throw. throughout the day friends would stop by to check on our progress and say hello.
one of the people was a boyfriend of mine from austin that i no longer have contact with. he came in and sat down. we talked for a long time and then he stood up, hugged me and left.
in real life i haven't spoken to him in several years, though not by my choice. i think about him often and care about him a lot still.
i told my roommate of my dream and how i was thinking of contacting the boyfriend just to see how he was doing. because the dream was so nice. she asked who it was and when i told her she said "do not email him." and i knew she was right.

several days later i went to austin on a very spur of the moment visit. my flight got in late tuesday night and my girlface picked me up and we went out for a drink and then went to a party around the corner from our house. it was 3am.

i walked out of the bathroom and was surprised to see a close, old friend of mine. he hugged me and then said that the previously mentioned boyfriend was right behind me. he told me i should go to him. talk to him. hug him. i thought it probably wasn't a good idea.
but if there was ever going to be a moment.

i got his attention with "hi dan". he looked up at me and the first thing out of his mouth was "oh, fuck."

i guess now i really know not to email him. message sent.