in order for the squirrelicorn to remain an accurate description of my love it must now be imagined wearing bunny slippers.
xmas = aunt ginny's. tuna noodle casserole. wine. wine. wine. otter and bear. walking in the rain. running for trains. brooklyn. walking in the rain. makers goodness. vince guaraldi. animation. bunny slippers. chinese take out. celebration ale. love.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
home for the holidays. the flashback.
thanksgiving 1992.
aunt ginny and i are setting the table for thanksgiving dinner. she lives on a busy street in great neck. a car alarm goes off about every 10 minutes, set off by passing traffic. it is the kind of alarm that goes through about 5 different siren sounds before it finally shuts off. after it's gone off for about the 5th time since i've been there ginny's decided she's had enough. she hands me a steak knife.
ginny: lisa, dear, take this knife. i want you to go down stairs and across the street and slash that car's tires. i'd do it myself but i'm too old and i'm too blind and i know i'll get caught.
lisa b: ummm....aunt ginny?
aunt ginny and i are setting the table for thanksgiving dinner. she lives on a busy street in great neck. a car alarm goes off about every 10 minutes, set off by passing traffic. it is the kind of alarm that goes through about 5 different siren sounds before it finally shuts off. after it's gone off for about the 5th time since i've been there ginny's decided she's had enough. she hands me a steak knife.
ginny: lisa, dear, take this knife. i want you to go down stairs and across the street and slash that car's tires. i'd do it myself but i'm too old and i'm too blind and i know i'll get caught.
lisa b: ummm....aunt ginny?
home for the holidays...the new series.
after the whole blow job story of december 23rd i had to call aunt kay on december 24th while aunt ginny was in the shower.
lb: aunt kay, ginny's in the shower. i've gotta tell you what she said last night...(insert clinton story here).
kay: oh my god. well did i tell you what she told me last time i was there? she used to date jack mannagin years back when they were young. one day she said to me "i could have married that son of a bitch and all that money would have been mine. but it wouldn't have been worth it. after he told me he wanted to fuck me up the ass i said FORGET YOU!"
lb: whoa.
lb: aunt kay, ginny's in the shower. i've gotta tell you what she said last night...(insert clinton story here).
kay: oh my god. well did i tell you what she told me last time i was there? she used to date jack mannagin years back when they were young. one day she said to me "i could have married that son of a bitch and all that money would have been mine. but it wouldn't have been worth it. after he told me he wanted to fuck me up the ass i said FORGET YOU!"
lb: whoa.
home for the holidays.
aunt ginny. an 87 year old, retired school teacher, she's been blind for the past 15 years, at least. she's lived in the same apartment in great neck, long island for the past 40 or 50 years. until last summer i hadn't been there in about 7 years. memories of ginny's home had always had the sepia tone of nostalgia. as i sat in her living room last summer i realized that that was not nostalgia. it was 40 years of smoke stains on her walls.
december 23rd i get off the train and make the trek up to aunt ginny's. she's considerably smaller than she used to be. now just under 5 feet tall. just under 100lb. she has the table set already and tells me that we're going to have sandwiches for dinner. after our ham and turkey sandwiches we move to the living room where we talk about family, friends, pet peeves, memories. and politics...
ginny: what i don't understand about clinton is how he could have been so damned indiscreet. it was just stupid. what's even more stupid is that i had a friend that said to me "i can't believe he committed sodomy". now i said to her "what do you mean, he committed sodomy?" and she said "well, oral sex, of course." and i said to her "mary, oral sex is not sodomy. don't you know what a blow job is?" well, lisa, i guess she didn't know what a blow job is. which is suprising. she's been married and divorced.
lisa b: whoa.
did i mention aunt ginny is 87?
december 23rd i get off the train and make the trek up to aunt ginny's. she's considerably smaller than she used to be. now just under 5 feet tall. just under 100lb. she has the table set already and tells me that we're going to have sandwiches for dinner. after our ham and turkey sandwiches we move to the living room where we talk about family, friends, pet peeves, memories. and politics...
ginny: what i don't understand about clinton is how he could have been so damned indiscreet. it was just stupid. what's even more stupid is that i had a friend that said to me "i can't believe he committed sodomy". now i said to her "what do you mean, he committed sodomy?" and she said "well, oral sex, of course." and i said to her "mary, oral sex is not sodomy. don't you know what a blow job is?" well, lisa, i guess she didn't know what a blow job is. which is suprising. she's been married and divorced.
lisa b: whoa.
did i mention aunt ginny is 87?
Friday, December 22, 2006
what are words for?
ot: what is that? is that coming out of your shoulder?
bb: yeah...it's a bone. everyone has that, right?
ot: no. not everyone has that.
bb: it gives me bruises sometimes
ot: i can see why
bb: you don't have that?
ot: no. but i have other protrusions. i mean, i have a tail.
bb: yeah....i know...
bb: yeah...it's a bone. everyone has that, right?
ot: no. not everyone has that.
bb: it gives me bruises sometimes
ot: i can see why
bb: you don't have that?
ot: no. but i have other protrusions. i mean, i have a tail.
bb: yeah....i know...
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
the nightmare of an office space.
so check out what happened yesterday:
as a state agency we have to keep the files of our constituents in the state archives for a certain number of years. all the files (we have roughly 500 per fiscal year for our annual grants) are boxed in order of grant number, the boxes are clearly marked for archives and neatly stacked from the bottom up in columns of six, and they wait by the loading dock inside for archives to come and get them...at which point they're wrapped in plastic and taken to the state library. they are kept in the archives for x number of years. 5 years, or something like that.
we also have a process for boxes that need to be destroyed. they too are stacked by the loading dock and marked to be destroyed...
so guy comes yesterday. dumps all of our "to be destroyed" boxes into the shredder dumpsters. and then proceeds to dump our grant files into the bins to be destroyed.
we spent a good hour pulling our files out of the trash and putting them back in order, boxing and stacking them back up again. considering all things an hour isn't that long. our supervisor is pregnant, so you know she was on the verge of tears at some point. and the poor, oafy driver...he wanted to help but there was nothing he could really do to fit in at that point. poor guy. you know he felt like a dipshit.
honest mistake. just not a simple one.
office spaces.
as a state agency we have to keep the files of our constituents in the state archives for a certain number of years. all the files (we have roughly 500 per fiscal year for our annual grants) are boxed in order of grant number, the boxes are clearly marked for archives and neatly stacked from the bottom up in columns of six, and they wait by the loading dock inside for archives to come and get them...at which point they're wrapped in plastic and taken to the state library. they are kept in the archives for x number of years. 5 years, or something like that.
we also have a process for boxes that need to be destroyed. they too are stacked by the loading dock and marked to be destroyed...
so guy comes yesterday. dumps all of our "to be destroyed" boxes into the shredder dumpsters. and then proceeds to dump our grant files into the bins to be destroyed.
we spent a good hour pulling our files out of the trash and putting them back in order, boxing and stacking them back up again. considering all things an hour isn't that long. our supervisor is pregnant, so you know she was on the verge of tears at some point. and the poor, oafy driver...he wanted to help but there was nothing he could really do to fit in at that point. poor guy. you know he felt like a dipshit.
honest mistake. just not a simple one.
office spaces.
Monday, December 18, 2006
broken telephone
nyc: you know who i can imagine making the journey up here to kidnap the man you love? jenn daly. i can totally see her doing that.
atx: i'm sure annick would be involved too. this chick was stalking/harrasing me a few years ago and they totally got on that shit to send her a message.
nyc: you had a stalker?
atx: kinda. she's paranoid-schizophrenic. totally out to lunch.
nyc: where'd you get her from?
atx: i used to work at this strip club called "the crazy lady". she was a dancer there.
nyc: uh-uh...
atx: i'm sure annick would be involved too. this chick was stalking/harrasing me a few years ago and they totally got on that shit to send her a message.
nyc: you had a stalker?
atx: kinda. she's paranoid-schizophrenic. totally out to lunch.
nyc: where'd you get her from?
atx: i used to work at this strip club called "the crazy lady". she was a dancer there.
nyc: uh-uh...
worn out topic
my period started full force in the target dressing room on thursday.
luckily i was planning on buying those jeans.
luckily i was planning on buying those jeans.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
white elephant.
office christmas party today. white elephant extravaganza.
this was in my brown paper sack:
white trash cookbook.
lime jello.
spam.
hamburger helper.
marshmallows.
french dressing. creamy french dressing.
french fried onions.
then the standard target gift card. and closing the office for the rest of the day.
i just had the best week with the man i'm in love with.
squirrelicorn in full effect.
this was in my brown paper sack:
white trash cookbook.
lime jello.
spam.
hamburger helper.
marshmallows.
french dressing. creamy french dressing.
french fried onions.
then the standard target gift card. and closing the office for the rest of the day.
i just had the best week with the man i'm in love with.
squirrelicorn in full effect.
Thursday, December 7, 2006
why do i do this to myself...
girl: remember that time you got really stoned and were trying to shave your pussy and ended up cutting your lips in the process?
girlfriend: no...when did that happen?
girl: you know. in our place on elmwood.
girlfriend: what did i do?
girl: you stood there naked, bent over crying "whyyyyyy? whyyyyy? whyyy do i do this to myself?"
girlfriend: what were you doing there?
girl: taking a shit.
girlfriend: those were the days.
girl: yes. they were.
girlfriend: no...when did that happen?
girl: you know. in our place on elmwood.
girlfriend: what did i do?
girl: you stood there naked, bent over crying "whyyyyyy? whyyyyy? whyyy do i do this to myself?"
girlfriend: what were you doing there?
girl: taking a shit.
girlfriend: those were the days.
girl: yes. they were.
Tuesday, December 5, 2006
vanity fair
so i go up to the 5th floor ladies room to try and snag a roll of toilet paper to bring back to my desk so that i don't have to keep using all of my co-workers' costly facial tissues. i look in one stall and find that there aren't any spare rolls. just then a woman comes in on her cell phone. the classic toilet talker.
there are approximately two toilet talkers in our 11 floor building. this one left her i.d. and glasses case out on the window sill.
her name was Becky Sharp.
has anyone else read vanity fair?
there are approximately two toilet talkers in our 11 floor building. this one left her i.d. and glasses case out on the window sill.
her name was Becky Sharp.
has anyone else read vanity fair?
Northcross Walmart
The following is a guest post from fleeter fay:
For the unaware, the plan for Northcross Mall is to build a 217,000 square foot Walmart right in the middle of a neighborhood. there are only two other stores that are bigger than that in all of central Texas: Ikea and Cabella's both located on I35. This will hurt the surrounding neighborhoods greatly. Here's why:
Walmart projections according to their submitted site-plan have traffic doubling however they used the EXACT same numbers for the superwalmart in Denver and the numbers were under projected by 44%.
The roads were not built for diesel trucks and the area between 183 and Anderson will be an extension of the highway. How many trucks does it take to keep a walmart of those proportions afloat? Jamie Means, this means you!
City council was in the process of coming up with a design plan for this area making it a multi-use pedestrian and bicycle traffic mall. They approved the design standard plan however the city managers office had already approved this Walmart with out consulting with City council. City council is now fighting the city managers office to have some sort of injunction.
It is not too late. the demolition permit has not been issued, nor has the building permit been issued. Only the siteplan has been approved. You can help stop it and save those neighborhoods, and neighborhood businesses.
Write to your city council members, mayor and city managers office. One of the easiest and most effective things you can do right now is email our City Council members to let them know you want the current Lincoln Properties site plan for the Northcross redevelopment stopped.
The phrase you must include in your letter [without altering it] is ” I request the City Council to direct the director of the Watershed Protection and Development Review Department to suspend approval of the site plan.”
Give reasons that include your concern for traffic, home values, increased crime and its incompatibility with the City’s neighborhood planning goals. Send an email to all your council members right now:
http://www.ci.austin.tx.us/council/groupemail.htm There you will see a form you can easily fill out and post!
Go to fox news website and fill out the poll:
http://www.myfoxaustin.com/myfox/
all of this you can do from your armchair!
thanks for your help and for caring about your community!
love, fleeter
For the unaware, the plan for Northcross Mall is to build a 217,000 square foot Walmart right in the middle of a neighborhood. there are only two other stores that are bigger than that in all of central Texas: Ikea and Cabella's both located on I35. This will hurt the surrounding neighborhoods greatly. Here's why:
Walmart projections according to their submitted site-plan have traffic doubling however they used the EXACT same numbers for the superwalmart in Denver and the numbers were under projected by 44%.
The roads were not built for diesel trucks and the area between 183 and Anderson will be an extension of the highway. How many trucks does it take to keep a walmart of those proportions afloat? Jamie Means, this means you!
City council was in the process of coming up with a design plan for this area making it a multi-use pedestrian and bicycle traffic mall. They approved the design standard plan however the city managers office had already approved this Walmart with out consulting with City council. City council is now fighting the city managers office to have some sort of injunction.
It is not too late. the demolition permit has not been issued, nor has the building permit been issued. Only the siteplan has been approved. You can help stop it and save those neighborhoods, and neighborhood businesses.
Write to your city council members, mayor and city managers office. One of the easiest and most effective things you can do right now is email our City Council members to let them know you want the current Lincoln Properties site plan for the Northcross redevelopment stopped.
The phrase you must include in your letter [without altering it] is ” I request the City Council to direct the director of the Watershed Protection and Development Review Department to suspend approval of the site plan.”
Give reasons that include your concern for traffic, home values, increased crime and its incompatibility with the City’s neighborhood planning goals. Send an email to all your council members right now:
http://www.ci.austin.tx.us/council/groupemail.htm There you will see a form you can easily fill out and post!
Go to fox news website and fill out the poll:
http://www.myfoxaustin.com/myfox/
all of this you can do from your armchair!
thanks for your help and for caring about your community!
love, fleeter
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