people do change...

as soon as he left that morning i could feel the crazy setting in. i knew that i had to do something. like leave. not be there when he got back. i had to do something that would calm me down without the use of valium. it was going to be tricky.
and then he called. he's on his way home. he has bagles. we're gonna have sandwiches and i try to pretend like i'm normal.

"i'm not at home. i'm on my way to china town. wanna come?"
"sure."

it would have gone over great if i didn't call right back and uninvite him.

three hours later i end up back there. a hot mess and a bunch of i-don't-know-what-the-fuck-is-going-on-with-me-so-please-stop-asking (which is very similar to the i-know-exactly-what's-going-on-with-me-but-i've-had-too-much-to-drink-and-can't-talk-about-it-now scenario). and i try to explain to him. i desperately try to explain to him

b: "i didn't always used to be like this."
u: "like what?"
b: "like...this...i dunno. like this crazy."
u: "really. so if i called ali right now she would tell me you used to be different?"
b: "well, no. she's a bad person to ask because we had 7 years of no contact..."
u: "so, if i called andypants right now..."
b: "oh, god no! please, don't ask andy...i mean...ok, i have always been crazy, but i didn't used to be like this. i used to be....i dunno, somehow more of a cold-hearted bitch and somewhere along the line that just went down the shitter."

but it didn't matter what i was saying at that point. the text message was already being sent: "hey andy, has she always been THIS crazy?"

we sat and waited. waited for andy pants to write back "yes. but she used to be a lot meaner."

thanks, pants. now he'll never believe my pleas of "not-crazy"

and on that note, thanks, scottie-revo for leaving this for me:

Crying in Restaurants

yesterday

i saw this parker posey movie last night. it was categorized as a romantic comedy, but there really wasn't anything funny about it except for the fact that her character, nora, was how you might imagine me and jenn daly smashed together into the same person. i was really suprised what was in the comedy section over there though. "the puffy chair" was hanging out over there not too far from the "porky's" trilogy. and there is absolutely nothing funny about the puffy chair. i'm kind of suprised i didn't see "sophie's choice" over in comedy after that.

also included in the yesterday:

ice skating (so much fun)
kerouac exhibit at the library
bbq food coma from daisy may's (this place is soooo goood)

and today is cirque du soleil.
it's been a full week.
i'm so glad my man is home.

my girlfriend red

red alert used to always talk to me about her loyalty to her friends and the people she loves. and i've seen it displayed over and over. and she's a fierce fuckin' bitch when it all comes down to it. and although it's never been my style, it's something that i totally respected her for, and it made me happy that she was in my court.
and now, i think of her all the time. because i swear to god, someone is gonna get their front door pissed on. and hey, jd, you wanna get witchy with me on someone's ass? hey red, wanna bring that temper to ny?
and simo, i don't know if you ever read this shit. but i know you're exactly the kind of person i want with us.

i sure do love the ladies in my life. and i sure do have bad feelings towards the people that intentionally hurt the ones i love.

sea, sex and sun.

we booked it yesterday morning. cozumel. touristy, cheesy, full of white people. but we're going. and i am so excited. three nights at an all inclusive resort. first class tickets. ocean view. and a big bottle of hawaiian tropic. swimsuit and a smile, y'all. that's all i need.
and mid december...it couldn't have come at a better time.

harry chapin wrote a song about a circle

it's really strange being in the northeast after years of being away. i remember the first winter i was in texas and having a bbq on my birthday. outside on the patio in shorts and a tank top thinking "i can't believe this is really possible after 20 years of sledding parties on this day." riding around in an el camino, drinking beer because the open container law still hadn't gone into effect and fixing my hangover from the night before. in my desperate attempt to leave the northeast and cold i had found a paradise. of lazy and slow. and warm and sunny. and i was never going to leave.
so now, 10 years later, after swearing-to-fucking-god that i would never ever ever ever ever ever come back, it's crazy being here. i bought a winter coat last week. down and puffy. hooded. gloves. fur lined winter weatherproof boots. sweaters. things that i had long gotten rid of in my life. tank tops are now just undershirts.
i think about how i'm here and how i got here and how my life just seems to have gone full circle after all these years.
i just went to a staged reading of a play tonight called "knives and other sharp objects"
it was written by a man named raul castillo. he used to live in austin, and the entire play is set in texas. and i loved it. it was awesome.
and i miss texas. but with everything right now. where i am, what i'm doing, who i'm with, where i live...it's like it could never have been any other way.
i'm glad i'm in ny. they sell gato negro here. i miss my girlfriends. and my boyfriends. but i am sitting at the kitchen table right now, and it feels really good to be home.

moot.

but whatever.
the other night i walked down to mulholland's to sit next to michael at the bar while he went absolutely berserk watching the patriots game. as i sat there watching i suddenly realized how different the dating world is here in new york compared to austin.

example
the following is how i would have described a guy that i thought was a total catch to one of my girlfriends in austin:

"you should totally meet him. he's really fucking cool, he's totally funny, he's sweet, he rides a hot bike, and he's really REALLY good at kickball."

compared to nyc:

"you should totally meet him. he's straight, he's single, no kids, and he's employed. total catch."

how pathetic is that? ladies of nyc, my heart goes out to you...

thanksgiving in chicago was cold as fuck, but very nice. hanging out with alison's future husband did me good. it's good to be back home though, and be off for the rest of the month. michael and i are trying to plan a spur of the moment vacation but can't decide between mexico, puerto rico, or a couple of nights at "the sherry" in miami for some flight crew debauchery. i need inspiration.

i need the beach.
i need a valium

personal drops

although i respect the privacy of the lives of my friends, it is frustrating when they tell me about their amazing lives and follow it with "you can't put this in your blog."

let it be known that my friends lead some pretty incredible lives. i think that that's all any of them will let me say about it.

the man i'm in love with is finally home and for the first time in a long time i don't feel like the universe is conspiring to keep us apart. i spent all of the quarters from the laundry money last week. i don't think he's noticed yet.