yo, andicat

the half naked pillow fights are insane.

wish you were here.

xo

b.

i can't believe this is my life.

i walked in the first day to hear frank sinatra singing "come fly with me" followed by a semi-reggae arrangement of "leaving on a jet plane." i thought of andicat and cried and was totally caught by a woman named faye...

i eat airplane food twice a day. my coffee intake has increased by 10 extra cups a day. i wake up at 5:30am. i listen to morning radio.

it's like a cross between the apprentice and survivor. two have already left. we're in the middle of grody outskirts houston.

my roomate is a 22 year old stacy love from new jersey. there are two women here that could be doppelgangers of natalie and stacy of kickball/sidebar...both in appearance and personality.

it's also kind of like friends. a group of people. that are unemployed for all intensive purposes. that live in nice hotel rooms and all hang out at the hotel bar called "kicks."

i wish y'all would come and visit. it's surreal. i wear high heels every day.

trainspotting

that morning, as they dressed and readied to head back home she out louded "i wonder when my period is going to start..." "today" he said, offering her assurance.
later on the train she looked out the window instead of at him when she said "it hasn't started yet." again, he offered her a certain "it will."

once in the city they walked hand in hand through the passage towards their train. her mind on it's own mission.
he squeezed her hand as he started "hon, our two options..." she took the slight pause as him waiting for her answer. "kick me in the stomach or push me down the stairs."

his grip loosened momentarily while he processed her response. "ok. yeah. well, i'll do both just to be safe. but right now do we want to take the L train or the JMZ?"

oh. either one. i don't really care.

much like a tumbleweed...

new england looks exactly like it does in the movies. i almost felt like we were part of the set in beetlejuice as we drove through the little town of i can't remember what it's called, 15 miles south east of boston.
i saw my first light house. and the atlantic ocean up close and personal for the first time ever. it was cold and beautiful. sunny, and windy.
a baby seal lay injured on the beach, still furry and looking at us with his whiskers and big, dark eyes. the village by the water reminded me of mexico in a way. but whiter.
we managed to get lost and drive in circles and not really think anything of it. there were bunnies everywhere.
i was somehow freaked out by steamers and foreskin come dinner time. and afterwards we went to some corner cafe. and they told us about parenting. and those that don't.
riding back to the city on the train reminded me why i didn't miss the east coast. the cold, wet dark. the fog that lasted forever. the grey.
i wonder how you become a light house keeper.

conjoined...

the past couple of days i have noticed an ingrown hair near the hairline of my bush. this morning, as michael and i were lying in bed i brought it up, saying i wanted to attack it with a needle or a pair of tweezers. michael says "you can prolly just squeeze it out by now...judging by the looks of it."
y'all, i squeezed this fucker. it was no ingrown hair. it was my fucking unborn twin laying dormant in my bush for the past 30 years. it was completely insane. i held it in my hand. jaw dropped. we haven't decided what to name it, but i tell you i must have lost 2.5 lbs.
we said a little prayer and i shed a little tear before i threw it into the wastebasket by the bed.

good bye little friend.

maybe my pants will fit better now.

no shame

while trying to overcome the performance anxiety that sometimes occurs even in solitude she imagined a gently flowing stream, hoping it would induce urination. as the moment finally arrived the door knob attempted to turn. unsuccessfully. thank god she had locked it. she needed this moment.
but wait. it's happening again. this time the lock turning too...how can that be? who would want to walk in on this?
the door opened. there he was. fucker.
he walks in and closes the door behind him.
frantically she yells "what the fuck are you doing?"
"i have the key" he says with a calm that noticeably raises her blood pressure.
"you couldn't wait?"
"i have to floss. it smells like piss in here."
"that's because i'm peeing!"
"and box. it smells like box too...i just farted."
"you couldn't fucking wait?"
"i had to floss."
"you just broke into the bathroom so you could criticize my urine and my box and fart in my face?"
"are you ok?"
...
"yes."

i mean, what else could she say? he'd just made her dinner.

goodness...how...awkward...

I.

b: did you just come inside of me?
o: yes.
b: i'm not on my period.
o: ...
b: in fact, i think i may be ovulating.
o: ...is there anything else you'd like to tell me?
b: hi.

II.

it took a second for her to realize she wasn't dreaming when her boyfriend climbed on top of her and hastily, sloppily attempted penetration. although she thought he was well on his way, he seemed to doubt his own abilities and removed the portion of himself that was inside of her.
still groggy she watched as he attempted to fluff himself at which point she reassuringly said "you almost had it there, hon."
he responded well. he simply lost whatever remaining erection he may have had, rolled off of her with a gentle, yet firm, heart felt "you fucker."

III.

b: you kind of startled me last night...jumping on me like that...
o: i figured i better do it quick before you had a chance to wake up and say no.
b: do you realize what you just said?

IV.

b: "so, they were right about to go to sleep, i guess. they had just turned out the lights or something. anyway, as they were lying there next to each other he apparently reached his hand over to her and said 'can i touch your pussy?' at which point she was like 'are you for real?' and he said 'yeah.' she was like 'no. no, i'm not in the mood.' and then i guess he was just like 'ok' and fell asleep."
o: "no. he didn't really do that. he wouldn't ever do that."
b: "yeah, he would and he did. why would she lie about that?"
o: "because he would never say that. he wouldn't do that. he must have been asleep when he said it."
b: "ok. whatever gets you through the day. i'm just saying, he's a total horndog, and why would she lie?"

V.

dinner had been beautiful. the walk to the hole in the wall had been pleasant. the beer, expensive. the shot of jaeger a double. the breakup they witnessed on the way home, unfortunate. the end of the six pack a reason to go to the store. the jug of corona, unnecessary. the fight with the KY, amusing. the attempt...absurd.

come morning they lay there together basking in their hangovers.
her: that was a little ridiculous.
him: yeah...
her: i mean, considering i wasn't wet. and you didn't have an erection.
him: yeah...you know, it felt like that scene in Money...the one where he's trying to rape his girlfriend. he's got her pinned down, her clothes off and he says to himself "now all i need is an erection." i mean, seriously, what am i supposed to think when our sex life starts to imitate unsuccessful rape scenes in novels?
her: yeah...

i wondered if he understood...

bb: "i don't know if he understands the hormone thing...i guess he probably does, but i'm too much of a bitch to recognize it..."

mr: "no. men can never fully understand that. acting crazy and knowing why, but not being able to stop yourself because you feel insane."

bb: "i don't know if that makes me feel better or not..."