goodness...how...awkward...

I.

b: did you just come inside of me?
o: yes.
b: i'm not on my period.
o: ...
b: in fact, i think i may be ovulating.
o: ...is there anything else you'd like to tell me?
b: hi.

II.

it took a second for her to realize she wasn't dreaming when her boyfriend climbed on top of her and hastily, sloppily attempted penetration. although she thought he was well on his way, he seemed to doubt his own abilities and removed the portion of himself that was inside of her.
still groggy she watched as he attempted to fluff himself at which point she reassuringly said "you almost had it there, hon."
he responded well. he simply lost whatever remaining erection he may have had, rolled off of her with a gentle, yet firm, heart felt "you fucker."

III.

b: you kind of startled me last night...jumping on me like that...
o: i figured i better do it quick before you had a chance to wake up and say no.
b: do you realize what you just said?

IV.

b: "so, they were right about to go to sleep, i guess. they had just turned out the lights or something. anyway, as they were lying there next to each other he apparently reached his hand over to her and said 'can i touch your pussy?' at which point she was like 'are you for real?' and he said 'yeah.' she was like 'no. no, i'm not in the mood.' and then i guess he was just like 'ok' and fell asleep."
o: "no. he didn't really do that. he wouldn't ever do that."
b: "yeah, he would and he did. why would she lie about that?"
o: "because he would never say that. he wouldn't do that. he must have been asleep when he said it."
b: "ok. whatever gets you through the day. i'm just saying, he's a total horndog, and why would she lie?"

V.

dinner had been beautiful. the walk to the hole in the wall had been pleasant. the beer, expensive. the shot of jaeger a double. the breakup they witnessed on the way home, unfortunate. the end of the six pack a reason to go to the store. the jug of corona, unnecessary. the fight with the KY, amusing. the attempt...absurd.

come morning they lay there together basking in their hangovers.
her: that was a little ridiculous.
him: yeah...
her: i mean, considering i wasn't wet. and you didn't have an erection.
him: yeah...you know, it felt like that scene in Money...the one where he's trying to rape his girlfriend. he's got her pinned down, her clothes off and he says to himself "now all i need is an erection." i mean, seriously, what am i supposed to think when our sex life starts to imitate unsuccessful rape scenes in novels?
her: yeah...