squirrelicorn christmas

in order for the squirrelicorn to remain an accurate description of my love it must now be imagined wearing bunny slippers.

xmas = aunt ginny's. tuna noodle casserole. wine. wine. wine. otter and bear. walking in the rain. running for trains. brooklyn. walking in the rain. makers goodness. vince guaraldi. animation. bunny slippers. chinese take out. celebration ale. love.

home for the holidays. the flashback.

thanksgiving 1992.

aunt ginny and i are setting the table for thanksgiving dinner. she lives on a busy street in great neck. a car alarm goes off about every 10 minutes, set off by passing traffic. it is the kind of alarm that goes through about 5 different siren sounds before it finally shuts off. after it's gone off for about the 5th time since i've been there ginny's decided she's had enough. she hands me a steak knife.

ginny: lisa, dear, take this knife. i want you to go down stairs and across the street and slash that car's tires. i'd do it myself but i'm too old and i'm too blind and i know i'll get caught.

lisa b: ummm....aunt ginny?

home for the holidays...the new series.

after the whole blow job story of december 23rd i had to call aunt kay on december 24th while aunt ginny was in the shower.

lb: aunt kay, ginny's in the shower. i've gotta tell you what she said last night...(insert clinton story here).

kay: oh my god. well did i tell you what she told me last time i was there? she used to date jack mannagin years back when they were young. one day she said to me "i could have married that son of a bitch and all that money would have been mine. but it wouldn't have been worth it. after he told me he wanted to fuck me up the ass i said FORGET YOU!"

lb: whoa.

home for the holidays.

aunt ginny. an 87 year old, retired school teacher, she's been blind for the past 15 years, at least. she's lived in the same apartment in great neck, long island for the past 40 or 50 years. until last summer i hadn't been there in about 7 years. memories of ginny's home had always had the sepia tone of nostalgia. as i sat in her living room last summer i realized that that was not nostalgia. it was 40 years of smoke stains on her walls.

december 23rd i get off the train and make the trek up to aunt ginny's. she's considerably smaller than she used to be. now just under 5 feet tall. just under 100lb. she has the table set already and tells me that we're going to have sandwiches for dinner. after our ham and turkey sandwiches we move to the living room where we talk about family, friends, pet peeves, memories. and politics...

ginny: what i don't understand about clinton is how he could have been so damned indiscreet. it was just stupid. what's even more stupid is that i had a friend that said to me "i can't believe he committed sodomy". now i said to her "what do you mean, he committed sodomy?" and she said "well, oral sex, of course." and i said to her "mary, oral sex is not sodomy. don't you know what a blow job is?" well, lisa, i guess she didn't know what a blow job is. which is suprising. she's been married and divorced.

lisa b: whoa.

did i mention aunt ginny is 87?

what are words for?

ot: what is that? is that coming out of your shoulder?
bb: yeah...it's a bone. everyone has that, right?
ot: no. not everyone has that.
bb: it gives me bruises sometimes
ot: i can see why
bb: you don't have that?
ot: no. but i have other protrusions. i mean, i have a tail.
bb: yeah....i know...

the nightmare of an office space.

so check out what happened yesterday:

as a state agency we have to keep the files of our constituents in the state archives for a certain number of years. all the files (we have roughly 500 per fiscal year for our annual grants) are boxed in order of grant number, the boxes are clearly marked for archives and neatly stacked from the bottom up in columns of six, and they wait by the loading dock inside for archives to come and get them...at which point they're wrapped in plastic and taken to the state library. they are kept in the archives for x number of years. 5 years, or something like that.

we also have a process for boxes that need to be destroyed. they too are stacked by the loading dock and marked to be destroyed...

so guy comes yesterday. dumps all of our "to be destroyed" boxes into the shredder dumpsters. and then proceeds to dump our grant files into the bins to be destroyed.
we spent a good hour pulling our files out of the trash and putting them back in order, boxing and stacking them back up again. considering all things an hour isn't that long. our supervisor is pregnant, so you know she was on the verge of tears at some point. and the poor, oafy driver...he wanted to help but there was nothing he could really do to fit in at that point. poor guy. you know he felt like a dipshit.
honest mistake. just not a simple one.

office spaces.

broken telephone

nyc: you know who i can imagine making the journey up here to kidnap the man you love? jenn daly. i can totally see her doing that.

atx: i'm sure annick would be involved too. this chick was stalking/harrasing me a few years ago and they totally got on that shit to send her a message.

nyc: you had a stalker?

atx: kinda. she's paranoid-schizophrenic. totally out to lunch.

nyc: where'd you get her from?

atx: i used to work at this strip club called "the crazy lady". she was a dancer there.

nyc: uh-uh...

worn out topic

my period started full force in the target dressing room on thursday.
luckily i was planning on buying those jeans.

white elephant.

office christmas party today. white elephant extravaganza.
this was in my brown paper sack:
white trash cookbook.
lime jello.
spam.
hamburger helper.
marshmallows.
french dressing. creamy french dressing.
french fried onions.

then the standard target gift card. and closing the office for the rest of the day.


i just had the best week with the man i'm in love with.
squirrelicorn in full effect.

why do i do this to myself...

girl: remember that time you got really stoned and were trying to shave your pussy and ended up cutting your lips in the process?

girlfriend: no...when did that happen?

girl: you know. in our place on elmwood.

girlfriend: what did i do?

girl: you stood there naked, bent over crying "whyyyyyy? whyyyyy? whyyy do i do this to myself?"

girlfriend: what were you doing there?

girl: taking a shit.

girlfriend: those were the days.

girl: yes. they were.

vanity fair

so i go up to the 5th floor ladies room to try and snag a roll of toilet paper to bring back to my desk so that i don't have to keep using all of my co-workers' costly facial tissues. i look in one stall and find that there aren't any spare rolls. just then a woman comes in on her cell phone. the classic toilet talker.
there are approximately two toilet talkers in our 11 floor building. this one left her i.d. and glasses case out on the window sill.
her name was Becky Sharp.

has anyone else read vanity fair?

Northcross Walmart

The following is a guest post from fleeter fay:

For the unaware, the plan for Northcross Mall is to build a 217,000 square foot Walmart right in the middle of a neighborhood. there are only two other stores that are bigger than that in all of central Texas: Ikea and Cabella's both located on I35. This will hurt the surrounding neighborhoods greatly. Here's why:

Walmart projections according to their submitted site-plan have traffic doubling however they used the EXACT same numbers for the superwalmart in Denver and the numbers were under projected by 44%.

The roads were not built for diesel trucks and the area between 183 and Anderson will be an extension of the highway. How many trucks does it take to keep a walmart of those proportions afloat? Jamie Means, this means you!

City council was in the process of coming up with a design plan for this area making it a multi-use pedestrian and bicycle traffic mall. They approved the design standard plan however the city managers office had already approved this Walmart with out consulting with City council. City council is now fighting the city managers office to have some sort of injunction.

It is not too late. the demolition permit has not been issued, nor has the building permit been issued. Only the siteplan has been approved. You can help stop it and save those neighborhoods, and neighborhood businesses.

Write to your city council members, mayor and city managers office. One of the easiest and most effective things you can do right now is email our City Council members to let them know you want the current Lincoln Properties site plan for the Northcross redevelopment stopped.

The phrase you must include in your letter [without altering it] is ” I request the City Council to direct the director of the Watershed Protection and Development Review Department to suspend approval of the site plan.”

Give reasons that include your concern for traffic, home values, increased crime and its incompatibility with the City’s neighborhood planning goals. Send an email to all your council members right now:

http://www.ci.austin.tx.us/council/groupemail.htm There you will see a form you can easily fill out and post!


Go to fox news website and fill out the poll:
http://www.myfoxaustin.com/myfox/

all of this you can do from your armchair!
thanks for your help and for caring about your community!
love, fleeter

guaranteed fresh

i just went to the vending machine and bought a bag of cheetos. guaranteed fresh until printed date. the date is JAN 16. i don't remember which wong kar wai movie it was...chung king express? his girlfriend breaks up with him on april fool's day, so he goes around buying cans of pineapple with a may first expiration date, at which point he feels she will either come back to him or his feelings for her will turn. and then may first passes and he can't find anymore cans with that expiration date.
it makes me want to go buy all the bags of cheetos with a JAN 16 guaranteed fresh until.
JAN 16 is my birthday.

today is the day. former LP, ms. alison arrives at 4:50pm. the agenda is as follows: dance party, funfunfun, dance party, knife throwing, thrifting, dance party, knitting, bbq, mexican food, dance party. i wonder if this is the beginning to yet another incredibly unhealthy relationship. i seem to be so good at them.

the squirrelicorn

i got an antler out of freddy's truck and i am seriously contemplating wearing it tied around my head after i get the squirrel-suit from dion. then it will be like a cross between the picture that accurately represents my feelings about being in love and max from how the grinch stole christmas.
tis the season.
i can't wait.

five second rule

my house is so fucking clean right now. you could eat off the floor...it's probably cleaner than my plates. my hands are cracked and bleeding from the cleaning products and being submerged in water for extended periods of time. there are no more dustbunnies. my cat doesn't know where she is. she's extremely bored. my lawn is mowed. i watched countless hours of benny hill on thanksgiving day.
gobble gobble.

house cleaning

my bathroom looks like a totally different place now that i removed the precariously placed shelving unit that existed above the toilet. i certainly did not feel like the hostess with the mostest when i heard it crashing down on my unsuspecting house guest as they were taking a piss.

i feel like a bit of a slacker knowing this whole time that i've had the tools and the skills to build something more stable and aesthetically appealing, but have really just been lazy and unmotivated for the past three years. i can't even imagine what i would be like if i smoked pot.

the harlot makes her life seem appealing:

but what happens when your seven-headed-horned-liger-leopard turns on you?

the memory project

The Memory Project is a program through which artists volunteer to create original portraits of/for children living in orphanages around the world. Given these children's frequent history of neglect, abuse and abandonment, such a keepsake is pretty much invaluable in instilling a sense of identity and heritage. The project is largely advertised as being directed toward high school art students, but college students, amateur or professional artists may also volunteer--the only requirement is sufficient skill and creativity to produce a well-executed, thoughtful and original portrait that will be valuable to the recipient for its quality as well as its sentiment.

more info at the memory project

i'm in love

and this is an accurate representation of what it feels like:

my first tumbleweed

it's crazy windy today. when i was riding up congress, around 2nd and 3rd streets where the parking lots are it was like the wild west. high winds, dust blowing everywhere. i expected to see a tumbleweed go blowing across congress. i halfway expected it to be me on my bike blowing head over wheels across the street. there'll probably be a shoot out at high noon.
i remember seeing my first tumbleweed ever. it was in marfa about 4 years ago. dan and i were driving through town. it was the middle of the afternoon on martin luther king day, or something. everything was closed. one came tumbling in front of us. i desperately wanted to jump out of the van and chase it. catch it and bring it home. raise it as part of the family. the next year we took lots of videos.
tumbleweed. they look just like they do in the movies.

it's definitely a gremlin

on saturday i was in my house when the radio suddenly turned on on it's own. i'm really glad i was there for that. it eliminates the stalker option. i've since scattered shiny pennies across my house hoping it will prevent the fucker from taking any more of my shit.

we've been moving our cell space around for the past few days in preparation for the arrival of the hag-beast. you can imagine the excitement.

mike: "lana's ex-husband has been getting himself into trouble?"
lisa b: "you mean rex?"
mike: "yeah. he's been arrested a couple of times in past month. i'm sure glad lana's not married to him any more. what a weirdo."
lisa b: "well, mike, no offense, but lana's pretty weird too."
mike: "yeah, but lisa, lana smokes crack. rex doesn't have an excuse. at least lana has drugs to blame it on."
lisa b: "you've got a point mike. i didn't really think of that."

gremlin or stalker?

i came home two nights in a row to find my radio on. i never leave my radio on. the next day i locked my door and it didn't happen. if you are a gremlin i want my glasses and kung fu shoe back. if you are a stalker i want my glasses and my kung fu shoe back. if you are a stalker, there are definitely less creepy ways to share space with me. ask anyone.

stars in my eyes

i paid a visit to the boys at stars in your eyes today during lunch. that's where i bought my glasses 7 years ago. i was hoping they would somehow have the same frames or something similar at least. when i went in and told them about losing my glasses he said "lisa, i still have a pair of those frames. they were discontinued long ago, but they sold so well when they came out that i bought a bunch. i have one set left. i'll save them for you."
those guys are great. it was like my birthday. totally awesome. trying to find new frames sucks.

lil' mantis...or lil' loca?

raul took my innocence. why he gotta be so scand-lus?

i took a kung fu class with a bunch of 8 year olds yesterday. in the interest of jenn daly's emotional well being i will not mention the sitcom that it reminded me of. i ended up doing quite a few push ups though...after that class i stayed for the next class and got hit in the face with a small sand bag...and i had to do more push-ups. i love being humiliated on a daily basis. seriously.

i know why my diaphram hurts

kung fu kicked my fucking ass last night. sifu stood in front of me the whole class. and i learned that push-ups as punishment for fucking up is great motivation to not fuck up.

once upon a life partner

my former LP is coming to visit me at the end of the month.

i told her we would have to share the bed.
"ha, after all we've shared you think i'd balk at a bed?"
"i guess you're right. we've shit together."
"actually, i was thinking more of the time you picked my used tampon up off the floor."

ali, was that after you pulled it out and threw it at matt? refresh my memory.

family ties

father: "did you get the message i left you about text messaging?"
daughter: "yes."
f: "you've sent well over 400. you gotta cut it out."
d: "i know. i'm sorry."
f: "it's been a long time since you've done that."
d: "but daddy, i'm in love."
f: "that's you're problem. i'm not paying for your fucking love affair."

carnies

the very end of my dream last night involved me being on a carnival ride...it was the kind that is just the swings. i sat in a swing and started pumping my legs but the carnie just started yelling at all of us, telling us that we were being too rowdy, and we had to calm down. that this was a peaceful, quiet ride. and made us all stand up and hold onto the overhead loops (like the kind they have on the bus or subway to hang onto) and walk in a circle, and he started it turning, but it was moving really slow. then it would stop and start, stop and start. then he started it and it started moving faster and faster until my feet weren't touching the ground anymore and i was trying to hang on, and i couldn't get into the swing and suddenly swarms of police cars and sirens surrounded the carnival, and apparently we must have all been criminals because we started running in all different directions and people who had been close to a pile of our backpacks just started grabbing them, running through the crowd calling our names so we could get our stuff. and there was another girl there, apparently with my last name. but her first name was deena. it was her backpack i found. i never got mine back.

better off dead

this movie recently reminded me of being an exchange student. i remember the first week i was in germany the family i was staying with mentioned the fact that the neighbor boy really wanted to take me out.

the neighbor boy. simon. when i asked what he was like my family said "oh, well, he's nice."

"nice?" i said. "nice is the adjective i use to describe people that don't have a personality." nice is right up there with "bless his heart." they just looked at each other and kind of nodded.

simon. large. long, wavy/frizzy hair. except on top where it was thinning. glasses. you could tell he listened to metal. you could tell he had intentions of making me his girlfriend. if it had been winter i would have thrown a snowball at his head and yelled "get real!"

i came through the outting relatively unscathed, but for the next month whenever he knocked on the door i had to have my family lie and say i was alseep...you know, jet lag, culture shock. luckily i transfered schools and families. simon problem solved. it's amazing the things that you block out of your memory, and the things that make you remember them.

candy-coloured clown they call the sandman

in my dreams last night fleetwood, red alert and i are looking for a house around the lake. we tried to do it before it got dark and even though we were by the lake the entire scene was very much like the house from "the color purple."

then there was a house across the lake that they found that they wanted to buy. it had a lot of triangles. and sea foam green. and a nice pool. very....howard johnsons with better colors. there's a howard johnson's in chicago i really want to stay in. we had been invited to a party there. i was the only one that went. and i tried to sneak out because the party was just a trap to catch kidnappers. the people that owned the house had lost their 9 year old and 2 year old to kidnappers in nyc. my hair turned completely white. all i could think of was the movie "the bride with white hair". brigitte lin's character is a young woman orphaned and raised by wolves at a young age. she was then "adopted" by an evil cult run by these two monster siamese twins. they train her to be a kung-fu killing machine. on one of her missions she meets her enemy/future lover...i can't remember his name, but he was a member of the wu tang clan...after they fall in love she decides to leave her evil cult and join her lover. but the siamese twins use some kind of magik to deceive her lover and he betrays her. in her devastation her hair turns white, takes on a mind of it's own and becomes a deadly weapon, reaching out and wrapping itself around anyone and everyone in site.

when i woke up my hair was still black. i watched shop girl last night. it was a nice, slow, thoughtful movie. i lost my barrette in the debauchery that ensued this weekend. i'm having some serious hair issues.

all she wanted was balls

it was almost 4 years ago that jenndaly had her ladies only birthday at mezzaluna. the wear whatever you never get a chance to. the whole place full of chicks on bikes wearing anything from spandex to prom dresses to leather. and then karaoke at the nix nox (r.i.p.).

keri, yael and i went to the jewlery store in fiesta and ordered her a gold charm. and a rope chain. the charm was like the kind that carrie bradshaw wears. the cursive kind. it said "balls".

about a year or so later she lent it to leopard larry to wear at his vasectomy party. at one point larry pulls the chain off his neck and throws the balls to the ground. lost under a pile of confetti and other stuff.

i know she doesn't need those balls anymore, but i am still pissed at that motherfucker for losing our gift to her.

happy birthday jenny. jenny? jenny?

dream-state

last night i dreamt that i was a spy and my supervising agent was trying to sabotage my escape plan to get out of this farm during wartimes. my contact was on my side, but s.a. tried getting me into a small, dungeon-like hatch. luckily the place caught on fire before he could force me into the dungeon. then i had gotten to a point where i was allowing my cat to take control of my life and she tried to lead me into an ocean of heroine, which seems to be a recurring theme in my dreams.

scent triggers memory

the air freshener that is being used in the 5th floor ladies room of the E.O. Thompson building is the same smell that was in my house in the 6th grade at christmas time. the first morning i smelled it was the day i got jesus christ superstar for christmas. so i always think of the soundtrack whenever i come across that odor. the sense of smell is so amazing.

the humanity

i went to whole foods during lunch today to buy some fruit and graze the samples. the green gazpacho sucks. when i got up to the counter with my apple and orange i realized that i didn't really have any money on me. so i just got the orange. after i paid and started to walk off the cashier was like "wait". i turned around and he handed me the apple and said "it's a sample."

this entire incident was followed up by me relaying this story to dustin/jimmy outside of marakesh. the old man that harrasses everyone for money really loudly "hey man, can you give me some money to get somethin to eat?" was sitting across from us asking that of everyone that went by. when i got up to leave i saw a dollar on the ground just a couple of feet in front of him. i picked it up and put it in my pocket. i'm totally a dollar richer.

i'm not kidding

guy with dreds: hey, you should come to our party tomorrow night it'll be really cool, we're gonna have djs and a few kegs. and we can always use more people with dreds.

lisa b.: i don't have dreds...

gwd: you don't? girl if you don't have dreds then you seriously need to comb your hair.

i know i've said this before, but i do not now, nor have i ever had dredlocks.

sometimes nice people suck too.

i feel like i know a lot of ladies that will appreciate this.

so while i was on vacation

i was travel dreaming.

i flew to vietnam on monday. totally slept through the flight. fly into saigon, my family meets me at the airport. we go to a small village just outside of the city. there is a large picnic table and tons of food. my grandparents and their siblings are on one side, cousins and younger people on the other. there was another lisa. most of the younger people spoke english. after we finished eating one of my cousins takes me to another village where they were trying to hang terredackdyl (i don't know how to spell it and couldn't find it in the dictionary) bones in the cypress tree. they had been blown down in a storm. the tree was a place people would visit to hang their wishes on. the older people started to go to bed and my cousin and i went into the city. she took me to a place that was a house/bar...kind of like art palace. and in the middle of the room there was a chandelier where people hung wishes as well. after the bar closed we walked through the streets of saigon (bad neighborhood) and got on a bus home. i had to fly into dallas the next day. i got to dallas on wednesday, and i was flying back to saigon on friday. then i realized that my passport expired in 1999 and i couldn't really understand how they let me fly there in the first place but i knew i needed to renew it. i went to city hall and filled out the paperwork to have it expressed...there was a kinkos in there so i went to get my picture taken. then i called my dad and asked him for the money to pay for it. i only had like, 20 bucks in my pocket when i was in saigon . when i got my passport the background of my picture was red and white gingham, and my hair was long and green, brown, purple and white.

wtf?

i was just at the water cooler at work, and there is lipstick around the spigot. kind of grossed me out.

during my fox-television-prime-time-binge

a trail of dead song played repeatedly in last night's episode of "standoff", the new fox series about two of the fbi's top negotiators that are having a love affair with each other. it left me feeling confused and uncomfortable.

teddy just reminded me...

of my dream last night. i was at an indoor swimming pool. charlie from lost was there. i jumped into the pool before i realized that it was full of heroine. and i got caught in the sea plants and couldn't get out.

walks of shame.

we've all got them, right? my two top favorites being:

1. in college, walking back home. 11am. large t-shirt. baggy baggy jeans. high heels. tiny, shiny purse. stockings and underwear in my back pocket. torn dress in my hand. all class.

2. bright summer day. 10:30am. walking out to my cab. skin tight black pants. skin tight black tank top. shiny, high heel black boots. yoko-ono sunglasses. a rat's nest of hair. cab driver asks "where to?" "west 29th street" "any prefered route?" i look at my surroundings..."honestly, i don't know where the fuck i am."

days of mis-spent youth. and not-so-youth.

vacation all i ever wanted, vacation had to get away

my vacation was awesome. the first weekend i spent mostly at acl with donna kaye, going to barton springs, walking around blah blah. we saw some interesting shit. sylvia st. james being the most unusual. i felt like i was watching a huge white fluffy chicken prancing around on stage. jenn daly and i almost got our heads beaten in by some douchebag at trophy's on friday night, but managed to come out of that unscathed. i managed to work several games of scrabble into the week. best game ever. how people can not want to play it is beyond me. i totally won. donna kaye, ashley, kari, laura and i spent wednesday evening watching america's next top model. this is our new wednesday now that "so you think you can dance" is over.

saturday i vomited in the sink while brushing my teeth. this has never happened to me before. all i could think was "there goes my dinner from mars." i pretty much just spent the rest of the week in bed, watching movies. listening to townes van zandt. with the windows and doors open.

my obsession with fox television

is getting to be a little much. last night i had a prison break dream. i was trying to escape with other family members. 2 brothers and a sister. and an aunt, but she was eliminated from the project after trying to drive away from the hospital. they caught her and cut off her clutch leg.

it was only those of us over the age of 18 that were really trying to escape. and at one point i broke back into prison to try and get medical records. three of my co-workers were involved. brenda worked inside the prison. she was a doctor. and cassandra and jim bob just offered me a ride to my safe haven (eastern new jersey). jim bob realized that this was probably a bad idea when cassandra told him she didn't have her car with her so he would have to drive me out to eastern jersey and then drive all the way back to wherever they were going. but after i tried to break back into prison i had an escape vehicle waiting for me. the original one got broken into by some thugs that were hanging out in the prison parking lot. so i jumped into this brightly spray-painted moving van with one of my co-escapees (close highschool friend). sam (i don't know sam's last name, but he's from mississippi and used to work at little city, club deville, and terra toys) was driving the van and it was filled with these weird animated stuffed animals. one was really hyper and driving my friend crazy but as long as the van kept moving it would stay calm.

the dream kind of ended with me and my girlfriend doing bong hits at her grandma's house.

it was like prison break, the episode of the simpsons where marge gets committed after trying to kill becky, and the story on fox news last night about the amputee golf tournament.

literacy is hot

my father just informed me that he is sending me rod stewart's great american song book series 1, 2, 3 and 4. fed-ex. like it was that important. i like rod stewart alright, but i don't feel like i really need to be hearing him sing "i get a kick out of you" or any of those other songs that i hear on a nightly basis at the elephant room. my dad's weird. it was almost better when he told me the story about his younger than me girlfriend. which was a hoax, ultimately. he's still with his appropriate aged, still married girlfriend.

prison break is really getting scandalous. everyone is turning all drama queen.

i just sneezed in my hand

i almost got hit by a car just now. unlike almost getting hit by a bus yesterday, this would have been my fault. i must have been really distracted still from trying to run out into the middle of 8th street to rescue the lip balm that had flown out of my pocket. i heard it hit the ground and start rolling through the intersection right outside of the omni. i was determined to not have another lip balm casualty this week. i've lost 5 new tubes of chapstick in the past 7 days. that's just too much.

jenn daly and i want to know where they offer classes in lesbianism. it seems like now is good a time as any to start being serious about eating pussy. so instead of being just a hobby it can be a full time gig. "i play a little guitar" no more of that. anyway, if anyone can give us a heads up.

paul, what did you say to me earlier? i didn't copy it before i came over to blog world. and now i can't remember.

i'm still sweating. i am currently the only person in the office. i cut three of my fingers last night trying to cut out a chunk of my hair, stick the ends together with wax, braid it, and then fuse a rat tail into jenndaly's hair before she left for new jersey...someone was asking me for my phone number last night and i can't remember why...

i've totally overbooked my weekend.

and this morning i reached new heights while crying to some disney musical song on the radio...i can't remember which...the colours of the wind, or something like that. it was rough. i really need a new hobby.

the coma

the weekend was extremely uneventful outside of the comedy show at the velveeta on saturday night. i spent the three days after that in a comatose sleep which was a relief after the insomnia. the dreams got a little out of control though. especially yesterday when i was having dreams about having a terrible period when in reality i was having a terrible period. it was like work dreams. except worse. and a turtle that wouldn't leave me alone. i woke up from all of it thinking i just wanted to move back home. talk about depressing.

i highly recommend the "thank you turkey" sandwich at which wich. it's incredible

the humanity

i went to whole foods during lunch today to buy some fruit and graze the samples. the green gazpacho sucks. when i got up to the counter with my apple and orange i realized that i didn't really have any money on me. so i just got the orange. after i paid and started to walk off the cashier was like "wait". i turned around and he handed me the apple and said "it's a sample."

this entire incident was followed up by me relaying this story to dustin/jimmy outside of marakesh. the old man that harrasses everyone for money really loudly "hey man, can you give me some money to get somethin to eat?" was sitting across from us asking that of everyone that went by. when i got up to leave i saw a dollar on the ground just a couple of feet in front of him. i picked it up and put it in my pocket. i'm totally a dollar richer.

my insomnia is killing me

i'm starting to wonder if this is going to turn into a whole edward norton/brad pitt fight club thing. or maybe i'll just be running around like helena bonham carter not knowing who the hell i'm fucking and just being confused about it all the time.

masturbating and crying just doesn't work like it used to. masturbating and crying.

prickball

from the bench she watched jl pull up on his motorcycle and walk towards the group. she felt it was time to apologize.

lb: hey, jl, i'm really sorry about punching you in the stomach the other night.
jl: actually, it was the face. i mean, if you want to get specific about it.
lb: oh. gosh. ..... i wonder how i confused that with your stomach. .... well, jl...i'm really sorry for punching you in the face the other night.
jl: actually, it was 12 times. i mean, if you want to be specific about it.
lb: oh, wow. yeah. sorry.

and this dream...

i had this dream last night where i was involved in the crew of this modern-day stage production of an movie classic based on a romance novel. it was a cross between marooned-ship-desert-island and the price is right. it was being staged by salvage vanguard theatre. the unfortunate part was that they had the actress who originally played the busty heroine make a cameo appearance. she was under the impression that she would be playing the role she had been cast in 40 years before. so throughout the whole performance she kept commenting and asking questions onstage about why things were different and openly critisizing the rest of the cast.

then at some point thanksgiving dinner was involved. there was a snow storm. i had to take the bus home. as i walked down a country road towards the bus stop at sundown a red volkswagen beetle pulled up to the stop, forcibly threw a teenage boy from the car so that he hit the stop sign really hard. then his mother got out of the car holding a wooden kitchen chair above her head and she started beating him.

later i was in a convienience store looking for vitamin water and someone was trying to fuck with me. i woke up to my fist hitting the wall.

i had this crazy dream about shayla

and it was a lot like my normal life. except for the part about my nipples being on the outside of my shirt.

lost in translation

when i lived in holland i had this girlfriend named lisette. she worked in the restaurant. we were always together. until one day henk decided that she wasn't allowed to come back to work until i left the country two months from then.

the next morning i went into the restaurant. i was sitting in the staff break room. crying onto my breakfast when henk came in, put his hand on my shoulder and said "stop crying. you're too old to cry. this is safya. she's going to teach you how to shoot a gun."

i am currently being semi-stalked by a guy that i believe thinks i'm somebody else. there is a language barrier. in a way. it's a little creepy.

she's going to teach you how to shoot a gun. talk about stress relief.

and friday night is...

drunk and drinking. happy hour, unsucessful. late night. paul and fleetwood. no second guessing. fer real. any body in the world would do anything i want to with this thing in my hand. we literally had buckshot raining down on us. people who are mentally weaker that want power. that's what makes guns dangerous. it's not their fault that their mentally weak. it's a nice little balance. i was not allowed to have any weapon ever as a toy. ever. i gave jack a gun. non threatening. wooden. cork. wow...it's really more about the popping noise. he loved it. safety.

did i ever tell you how i learned to shoot a gun? he's a smart boy.

she-bop

it's been that kind of week.
actually it's been that kind of life. she-bop. she-bop.

anyway, last night i had this dream that was kind of animated. i was in the simpsons. i was not a cartoon. anyway, the mr. burns and smithers characters enter the plant which is not a nuclear power plant. instead it is a logging camp. but it is indoors. logging camp might not necessarily be what i mean...lumber yard. so burns and smithers walk into the indoor lumber yard and ask why that machine isn't running. everyone asks which machine? and they point out the super long table saw that takes up most the room at which point somebody resembling homer simpson says
"oh. you mean 'the believer'"

billy bob was as stupid as he was thoughtful

i was on the bus this morning and at the corner of 5th and congress i saw this woman on crutches moving really slowly, kind of struggling to make it to the bench. i only saw her from behind at first. she was relatively well dressed. designer flip flops, capri pants. swollen ankle. black blouse. shiny crutches. blonde hair kind of clipped up like buffy's. she looked like she may have been in her late 40s, but in good shape. i desperately wanted to see her face, but she kept moving in ways that i couldn't see it until finally the bus started pulling away. she was sitting on the bench and put the crutches off to the side and i got a glimpse.

it was like hatchet-face meets shakes the clown. no joke. her face was busted. and then she put make-up on it.

does anyone have any pictures of hatchet-face? or shakes the clown, for that matter.

i know why my diaphram's sore

on july 28th, 2006, i received my first paycheck from the elephant room since may of 2001. in these past 5 years i have been working off my outstanding bar tab.

by january 2004 i had worked down from $1400 to $1200. since then i have not put any drinks on my tab and all of my hourly wages ($2.13 as a cocktail waitress, $4 something as a bartender) have been applied to my tab.

the last paycheck i had received prior to this one was in the amount of $.25. i still have it.

at the beginning of a 10am meeting on friday i somehow felt that i needed to say aloud "i know why my diaphram's sore."

hoff's comments, submitted by beth

"I'm trying to get on a sitcom or maybe even my own show, Travels with the Hoff," he said, prompting many, many unanswered questions.

The actor also threw in some info about his memoirs, which he said he is in the process of writing.

"It's about growing up since I was 7 and realizing a dream," Hasselhoff said. "But when I was out trying to save the world, I forgot to save myself."

That's from some article about his divorce.

Hasselhof was Sick, Not Drunk

the original story has been changed. this is how the beginning reads now:

Publicist: Hasselhof Was Sick, Not Drunk

Jul 27, 1:45 PM (ET)




(AP) Actor/singer David Hasselhoff arrives at the 4th Laureus Sports Awards ceremony, in this May 20,...
Full Image


LONDON (AP) - A spokesperson for David Hasselhoff denied a report Thursday that the former "Baywatch" and "Knight Rider" star had been turned away from a British Airways flight because he was drunk.

Judy Katz, the actor's publicist, called the story by the tabloid Sun "totally untrue."

Katz said Hasselhoff had not been drinking, but felt unwell after taking some medication for a recent arm injury and wasn't able to get on a flight Wednesday from Heathrow Airport to Los Angeles.

Hasselhof Too Drunk To Fly

Jul 27, 10:38 AM (ET)



LONDON (AP) - David Hasselhoff was turned away from a British Airways flight because he was drunk, a British newspaper reported Thursday.

The tabloid Sun said the former "Baywatch" and "Knight Rider" star was told he could not board the flight Wednesday from Heathrow Airport to Los Angeles. Witnesses told the newspaper Hasselhoff appeared to have trouble standing and told staff he was upset about his divorce from Pamela Bach.

He was allowed to get on a later flight, the newspaper said.

The airline said only that a male passenger had been refused boarding after he was deemed unfit to travel.

The actor's publicist could not immediately be reached for comment.

Hasselhoff's divorce from Bach was finalized in a Los Angeles court Wednesday.

Hasselhoff, 54, filed for divorce Jan. 12 after 16 years of marriage, citing irreconcilable differences. Bach, 42, filed her own divorce papers, also citing irreconcilable differences.

The actor has had several brushes with the tabloid press during a recent stay in Britain.

Last month, he sliced four tendons and an artery in a shaving accident at his London hotel.

Earlier this month, there were press reports that an intoxicated Hasselhoff had to be removed from the All England Club, which presents the Wimbledon tennis championships. He denied the claim.

texas showdown

she took a key out of her pocket and handed it to her girl friend sitting next to her.
"here, take this. if you're ever too drunk or too tired to make it home you can stay at my place."

girlfriend held the key and looked at it for a few seconds before saying "well, i'd feel weird about just coming over without calling or anything...i mean, what if you're with someone...what if you're not there."

"don't worry. i never let anyone stay over. and i never stay anywhere else."

"how do you ever get laid?"

"i only date guys that drive vans."

i've been healed

when i was a junior in high school i desperately wanted to go to the prom with this guy named ben baumes on a bicycle built for two.

this never happened.

now, 12 years later, i have lived out my dream. last night i went to iron gate studio's prom 2006 with ben lynch on a tandem bicycle. it was the best prom ever.

what the...

as they walked out of the theatre he put his arm around her.
"you're cold." he said.
"yes. yes it's cold in here."
"this would be a great time to do it. it would be just like fucking a corpse."

whaaaaaaat? did i really hear that?

yes, i really heard that.

bloody ivy the infected

Your Pirate Name Is...

Bloody Ivy the Infected

What's Your Pirate Name?

and what's up with me and davids?

that whole hasslehof thing reminded me of this dream i had a couple of years ago involving david bowie. and david and i were in love and we were at my elementary school where there was this big conference/convention going on and we were in the hallway talking to different people and then i turn around and the break is over and he's gone and all i can think is "he wouldn't leave me...we're in love"

so i run into the school auditorium. it's dark except for on stage and there is a sea of red afros in the seated area. it was a ronald mc donald seminar. i looked frantically over the sea of hair thinking i would never find him. then one ronald stands up and starts walking up the aisle towards me. he's wearing a trench coat over his ronald gear and as he gets closer i can see his eyes and i know it's david and he says to me "i'll come find you when this is over" then he grabs me and kisses me passionately and goes back to his seat.

i leave the auditorium and go into the girls room (we're still in an elementary school) and i look in the mirror and there is white and red clown make-up smeared all over my face.

oh and i just remembered part of another dream

that involved me and david hasslehof and me being totally in love with him...it was kind of a "big trouble in little china" set up. i can't get into it much more than that. but what made me remember it was me sitting at my desk just now typing and thinking "gosh my wrist hurts" then i remembered that while we were at donna's yesterday watching "so you think you can dance" she would flip the channels during the commercial breaks, and we stopped on that show "american talent" with david hasselhof and he had on a wrist brace.

it's snowing

i had this dream last night where i was at this party and i ran into this couple and they were going to buy a mountain of cocaine and asked if i wanted to go in on that with them and i said yes, but then walked away and ran into a group of chicks that i knew and we were all really fucked up and everytime i turned around this one chick would shove her key all the way up my nose and it would have so much sniff sniff on it that i thought i was going to have a heart-attack and i finally walked away from that area and forgot that i told these other people that i would give them money for drugs and so i forked out a bunch of cash and they gave me this huge golfball of coke and then they left and i was trying to hide it under my breasts because i didn't have any pockets but my breasts are pretty small, so it was kind of dramatic and noticeable, so i put it in my mouth and i was on my way to the bathroom when the cops showed up.

but the chick that kept shoving her key in my face...she was seriously out of control.

heartworn.

Joyas Volardores

by Brian Doyle

Consider the hummingbird for a long moment. A hummingbird's heart beats ten times a second. A hummingbird's heart is the size of a pencil eraser. A hummingbird's heart is a lot of the hummingbird. Joyas volardores, flying jewels, the first white explorers in the Americas called them, and the white men had never seen such creatures, for hummingbirds came into the world only in the Americas, nowhere else in the universe, more than three hundred species of them whirring and zooming and nectaring in hummer time zones nine times removed from ours, their hearts hammering faster than we could clearly hear if we pressed our elephantine ears to their infinitesimal chests.

Each one visits a thousand flowers a day. They can dive at sixty miles an hour. They can fly backwards. They can fly more than five hundred miles without pausing to rest. But when they rest they come close to death: on frigid nights, or when they are starving, they retreat into torpor, their metabolic rate slowing to a fifteenth of their normal sleep rate, their hearts sludging nearly to a halt, barely beating, and if they are not soon warmed, if they do not soon find that which is sweet, their hearts grow cold, and they cease to be. Consider for a moment those hummingbirds who did not open their eyes again today, this very day, in the Americas: bearded helmet-crests and booted racket-tails, violet-tailed sylphs and violet-capped wood-nymphs, crimson topazes and purple-crowned fairies, red-tailed comets and amethyst woodstars, rainbow-bearded thornbills and glittering-bellied emeralds, velvet-purple coronets and golden-bellied star-frontlets, fiery-tailed awlbills and Andean hillstars, spatuletails and pufflegs, each the most amazing thing you have never seen, each thunderous wild heart the size of an infant's fingernail, each mad heart silent, a brilliant music stilled.

Hummingbirds, like all flying birds but more so, have incredible enormous immense ferocious metabolisms. To drive those metabolisms they have race-car hearts that eat oxygen at an eye-popping rate. Their hearts are built of thinner, leaner fibers than ours. Their arteries are stiffer and more taut. They have more mitochondria in their heart muscles--anything to gulp more oxygen. Their hearts are stripped to the skin for the war against gravity and inertia, the mad search for food, the insane idea of flight. The price of their ambition is a life closer to death; they suffer heart attacks and aneurysms and ruptures more than any other living creature. It's expensive to fly. You burn out. You fry the machine. You melt the engine. Every creature on earth has approximately two billion heartbeats to spend in a lifetime. You can spend them slowly, like a tortoise, and live to be two hundred years old, or you can spend them fast, like a hummingbird, and live to be two years old.

The biggest heart in the world is inside the blue whale. It weighs more than seven tons. It's as big as a room. It is a room, with four chambers. A child could walk around in it, head high, bending only to step through the valves. The valves are as big as the swinging doors in a saloon. This house of a heart drives a creature a hundred feet long. When this creature is born it is twenty feet long and weighs four tons. It is waaaaay bigger than your car. It drinks a hundred gallons of milk from its mama every day and gains two hundred pounds a day and when it is seven or eight years old it endures an unimaginable puberty and then it essentially disappears from human ken, for next to nothing is known of the mating habits, travel patterns, diet, social life, language, social structure, diseases, spirituality, wars, stories, despairs, and arts of the blue whale. There are perhaps ten thousand blue whales in the world, living in every ocean on earth, and of the largest mammal who ever lived we know nearly nothing. But we know this: the animals with the largest hearts in the world generally travel in pairs, and their penetrating moaning cries, their piercing yearning tongue, can be heard underwater for miles and miles.

Mammals and birds have hearts with four chambers. Reptiles and turtles have hearts with three chambers. Fish have hearts with two chambers. Insects and mollusks have hearts with one chamber. Worms have hearts with one chamber, although they may have as many as eleven single-chambered hearts. Unicellular bacteria have no hearts at all; but even they have fluid eternally in motion, washing from one side of the cell to the other, swirling and whirling. No living being is without interior liquid motion. We all churn inside.

So much held in a heart in a lifetime. So much held in a heart in a day, an hour, a moment. We are utterly open with no one, in the end--not mother and father, not wife or husband, not lover, not child, not friend. We open windows to each but we live alone in the house of the heart. Perhaps we must. Perhaps we could not bear to be so naked, for fear of a constantly harrowed heart. When young we think there will come one person who will savor and sustain us always; when we are older we know this is the dream of a child, that all hearts finally are bruised and scarred, scored and torn, repaired by time and will, patched by force of character, yet fragile and rickety forevermore, no matter how ferocious the defense and how many bricks you bring to the wall. You can brick up your heart as stout and tight and hard and cold and impregnable as you possibly can and down it comes in an instant, felled by a woman's second glance, a child's apple breath, the shatter of glass in the road, the words I have something to tell you, a cat with a broken spine dragging itself into the forest to die, the brush of your mother's papery ancient hand in the thicket of your hair, the memory of your father's voice early in the morning echoing from the kitchen where he is making pancakes for his children.

hi daddy.

lb: "...sorry dad if that's too much information."
d: "i'm used to it from you."
lb: "that's cool."

the morning report. but different.

while walking back from lunch with mr. hunter harris we passed this guy at the bus stop on the corner of 7th and colorado. as we were walking by him he started playing a didgeridoo. at the bus stop. it was the most retarded thing.

he must have been on his way to barton springs.

with his jingle-jangle-walking-stick.

an interrogation. for hallmark.

"what's your name?"
"lisa b."
"where are you from?"
"upstate new york."
"what brought you to austin?"
"seasonal depression."
"what do you want to do?"
"i wanna spring full grown from the head of zeus."
"what do you do?"
"i'm a cocktail waitress."

i totally got a call-back.

"luckily the account representative knew CPR."

"in time, alert, composed, svelte, lithe, well-kept, independent, now a lone wolf--though an efficient wolf--in life's gray forest......"

i really liked that sentence. from "luckily the account representative knew cpr." a short story. by david foster wallace.

home for the holidays

i told him on friday that i didn't want to spend every day of a long awaited break completely hungover.

he laughed in my face.

last night he said to her "she goes for the sinewy kind of guys. lanky. no substance. couldn't bench press her if they tried"

today he says "what's up with the choices you make? most of them couldn't take a blow to the chest."

couldn't bench press her if they tried.

i've been denied

for the sake of protecting the identities of the innocent and the not-so-innocent i need to preface this entry by requesting that anybody who knows my archnemesis please do not make any comments that would possibly disclose her identity.

so, i get to work today and i'm talking to fleeter and she tells me that she ran into my archnemesis, stink-eye, yesterday, and stink-eye was really chatting her up. i asked if she was trying to pry all of my deep, dark secrets out of her.

fleetwood said "no. no, that's not what happened at all."

the following is fleetwood's version of the story:

Here's what happened. So I says to the girl.....do you speak Chinese in your home. She said no, I am half Vietnamese and no we only speak english in our home.

I said, "wow, you have the same heritage as Lisa, half vietnamese"

"who's Lisa?"

"You know Lisa, she's the girl I'm always hanging out with.. Long black hair, nose ring."

"No, I don't know her."

"Yes you do, you see her all the time."

"Does she have blue tips on the end of her hair?"

"No that's...., Lisa's hair is a lot longer."

"I don't know who she is."

right at that point another person entered the conversation and said to Stink Eye. "Yes. You do know who she is"

Stink Eye replied. "oh. her."

Not only does she not care about your deep dark secrets. She REFUSES to acknowledge your existence at all.

dream-state

i had this dream last night that i was stranded on this small, floating island that would sometimes capsize. i had to hang on to the palm tree in the middle of it. with me on the island was a bear. there were moors up on the cliffs and silver. and boats...like dragon boat race boats going around us fast.

i never made out with the bear, but i feel like we were supposed to fall in love.

i wonder if this means that i'm supposed to fall in love with myself.

i'm a bear.

white elephant

will the person that gave me the salt-statue-figurine of a baby seal with the eyeballs removed please identify themselves...i'm having a hard time figuring out where it came from...

brief interviews with hideous men

i was riding the bus to work this morning re-reading a book by david foster wallace entitled "girl with curious hair" when i suddenly was reminded of a time about 5 years ago riding the bus reading a different book by dfw..."brief interviews with hideous men."

so, i'm reading this book and i'm reading this one story about how the author is addressing his reader asking her what she thinks of the book and how invasive that is, when the reader prolly just wants to escape and not be thinking about much of anything and here the author is, in her face asking her questions...blah blah blah...

it's while i'm reading this story that i hear a voice from over my shoulder slowly read aloud "brief--interviews--with--hideous--men"

i turn around and sitting behind me, reading over my shoulder is a man that was sitting at the front of the bus when i boarded, but has since moved to the seat right behind me. which is just creepy on its own.

so i look at him and i say "you know, the only thing more annoying than someone reading over your shoulder is somebody reading out loud over your shoulder."

i don't think what i said registered....

he in response says "i like reading, but that book kind of gives me the creeps."

maybe because it's about you.

he moved back to the front of the bus.

shot gun

i shot-gunned a beer for the first time ever during the seventh inning stretch at kickball yesterday.

i came in second.

granted, there was only one other person in the game, but it was really really close.

another rite of passage i can check off the list.

shot gun

i shot-gunned a beer for the first time ever during the seventh inning stretch at kickball yesterday.

i came in second.

granted, there was only one other person in the game, but it was really really close.

another rite of passage i can check off the list.

let's talk about me

1. What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?
ramen. except it's not in the fridge. i only have condiments in the fridge.

2. What is your guaranteed weeping movie?
lady jane. and mookie just reminded me of the color purple.

3. If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?
fuck that shit. i like looking like my parents mashed together.

4. What's one thing you like to do alone?
what do i not like to do alone? i enjoy my solitude.

5. Do you have a fear?
many. snakes, heights, reptiles and amphibians of all kinds, except for turtles.

6. What is the little physical habit that gives away you're insecure?
touching my face, maybe? crossing my arms.

7. Are you a pyromaniac?
if you love somebody...no.

8. Do you have too many love interests?
sometimes one is too many. but i think i've got it under control.

9. Do you know anyone famous?
jenn daly. she's in my top 8. i'm also friends with the mayor.

10. Describe your bed:
soul-mate.

11. Who would play you in a movie?
that girl from the dark crystal...i think her name is kira. she's a gelfling. she's also a puppet. or a muppet, i guess.

12. What do you carry with you at all times?
lip balm.

13. Are you happy with your given name?
i like my vietnamese name a lot. and i like my other name as a nickname, but otherwise i think it's kind of boring. but that's cool.

14. How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year?
it would take at least a few thousand. i have a habit.

15. What color is your bedroom?
the same color as my closet. and kitchen. white.

16. What was the last song you were listening to?
it involved graham parsons.

17. Have you ever been in love?
yes.

18. Do you talk a lot?
it depends on how well i know someone. and how many drugs i'm on.

19. Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?
often.

20. Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?
usually. except if i'm being shamelessly hit on. then i'm a total bitch.

21. What is your ideal marriage location?
i currently can't think of "ideal" and "marriage" together.

22. Which musical instrument do you wish you could play?
cello. drums. guitar.

23. What smell do you find sexy?
the body odor of any of my friends. and curry.

24. How do you eat an apple?
i just bite into it.

25. What do you order at a bar?
lone star. except at my bar. there it's dxx in summer, and bass in winter. we don't have lone star.

26. Have you ever pierced your body parts?
i have allowed other people to pierce my body parts.

27. Do you have any tattoos?
yes.

28. Do you drive a stick?
no. i do ride a bicycle though.

29. What's one trait you hate in a person?
self-righteousness. and boastfulness.

30. What kind of watch do you wear?
no watch. no watch.

31. Do you consider yourself materialistic?
very. but i try to purge once a year to keep myself in check.

32. What do you cook the best?
tuna noodle casserole and grilled cheese. i'm into comfort food.

33. Do you prefer to stand out or blend in?
it depends. i don't want to blend in with a bunch of douche-bags or anything like that.

34. What's one car you will never buy?
i can't really picture myself owning a car ever again. but never an suv, sports car or monster truck.

35. What kind of books do you like to read?
fiction. contemporary fiction. i'm an escape artist.

36. Burial or cremation?
cremation. no contest.

37. What's one thing you're a loser at?
kickball. i suck at kickball.

38. Do you cry in front of your friends?
often.

39. What kind of first impression do you think you give to people?
that i'm cold and aloof. but really i'm just kind of socially awkward. also, i think a lot of people think i'm persian. or native american. or mexican.

40. Are you a giver or a taker?
a little column A, a little column B.

41. When's the last time someone made you cry?
i make myself cry almost daily. otherwise my father made me cry a couple of weeks ago. you can read all about it in the blog entry entitled: it's raining on prom night.

42. Favorite communication method?
mouth to mouth.

43. How many drinks before you're tipsy?
it depends on where i am in my cycle. truly.

43. First thing you did this morning?
snooze.

44. Last thing you ate?
chips ahoy cookie.

45. Is your cell phone a piece of crap?
not anymore. it's just a piece of plastic now.

46. What's something you look forward to most in the next 6 months?
going back to ny. i miss my family.

47. What's annoying you right now?
being at work.

48. What's the last movie you saw in a theater?
it wasn't really a movie...more like a montage of scott walker footage. before that...maybe the three burials of melquiadas estrada...or cache. i don't really remember.

49. Do you believe in long distance relationships? sometimes i think that i prefer them.

50. When was the last time it rained?
saturday morning.

51. Is there someone you miss?
many.

52. Who was the last person you texted?
teddy.

53. If you could kill someone who would you kill?
i can't really talk about this.

54. Song that sums up your love life?
eliza gilkyson's "not lonely." or is it "alone. not lonely"? i apparently don't really remember the title.

55. Are there a few things you wish you were better at?
kickball. and sidekicks, and round house kicks.

56. If you could be anywhere this second, where would it be? barton springs

57. What's your most vivid memory from 7th grade?
falling off the bleachers at the basketball game...and consequently breaking my wrist.

58. Latest addiction?
daily juice with chris comfort.

59. Have you ever had the urge to kill someone?
maim. not kill.

60. How many people would you say you are interested in?
i'm interested in a lot of people. interested how? this is very vague. if survey means interested-interested then...maybe one.

61. What do you love doing?
sleeping, kung fu, riding my bike, reading, bbc-ing, sitting in jenn daly's kitchen con mis amigas. watching kung fu movies.

62. Do you think someone thinks about you daily?
surely.

63. Who was the last person you saw or talked to?
dorothy.

64. What do you want to be when you grow up?
a bad-ass.

he feels the fist.

we were talking about him, and she was like "he's a cool guy. he can come off as kind of creepy but if you hold him at arms length he's receptive. he feels it." "he feels the fist?" "yeah, he totally feels the fist." "that's cool."

i wish more guys felt the fist.

you know...in a figurative sense.

anxiety dreams

in the past couple of weeks i've been having a lot of nightmares and anxiety dreams. last night was really no exception, and i won't get into the details of the bad parts really...
there were lots of parts of this dream that sucked...two car crashes...involving people i knew, burn victims, grossness. but there was also a really awkward and beautiful part. for some reason dan and i had reconciled and i was at the dabbs motel out in llano with him and a group of mutual friends. and then we fought and we were stuck there and he went to bed and i was going to go sleep in another room but realized that there weren't any other rooms so i went in to move my stuff and he woke up and said i could sleep there. so i fell asleep next to him and dreamed that i was a super hero...ice girl. and my super power was that i could turn myself into ice..i don't know what that was going to do for me. and i was in love with super man. and it's winter in michigan. possibly detroit? and we are by the water. and we're arguing. and i realize that it's pointless to argue, that he is never going to see my way. and i jump into the water and i turn to ice. initially i sink to the bottom, but as i float back up to the surface, still beneath the water kind of, floating down the river, i realize that he has jumped in after me, and has his arm around me, and is swimming us down stream, trying to keep me above water so i can breathe. and i fall asleep in his arms in the water, and i have my arm around him, and i can feel the muscles in his back moving as he moves his arm for every stroke...and then i wake up kind of...in my dream, and i am in bed with my arm around dan, and still half asleep i think for a minute that i can feel the muscles in his back moving, like he's trying to save me.

not that i need saving. just that the feeling was nice.

the dream goes on. but that was the beautiful part.

and at one point i also tasted a really interesting cold cut. also in michigan.

fleetwood just said:

"...so paul and i had a laugh at their expense..."

the lone star diet

this is the exchange that took place between my girlfriend cassandra and me a couple of minutes ago:

cass: "you look very slender today"

lisa b: "i haven't really been eating. just drinking a lot"

cass: "oh, the vodka diet? well i guess in your case it would be the lonestar diet."

lisa b: "yeah. pretty much the lonestar diet."

cass: "or the happy meal diet...you know, lonestar and a shot of jaeger."

i know so many people on the happy meal diet. thank you cassandra for summing it up so perfectly.

let's talk about my hangover

it is suprisingly light-hearted and witty considering the copious amounts of alcohol i consumed last night.

copious.

it's unbelievable

while brent struggled with his "international day after international slayer day" hang over i decided to clean my house and it's unlike anything anyone has ever seen before.

jenndaly, this would be such a good time for you to come visit.

fer real.

it's a bird

i was just coming back from lunch with mario and it got real windy and my skirt blew up.

i wish there had been a lot of people around. i'm wearing supergirl underwear.

st. ed's is gone. there's lots of spaces in the parking lot. the rain looks kind of cold. haven't seen the reverend in a while. lots of white cars out there.

yesterday my father sent me an email telling me that he had a new girlfriend that was 28 going on 29 from central america. he attached pictures of them together. of her in the kitchen. after my initial response of "are you shitting me?" and "you're not serious" i was just like "she's younger than me." and his response was "only by a year. you can help her with her english." talk about immediate break down. it was 5 minutes before he was like "gotcha."

i was like "dad, you fuckin made me cry."

now i know what fathers must feel like when their daughter says something like "daddy, i'm dropping out of college and quitting my really cool record label job to move 1500 miles with my significantly-older-unemployed-boyfriend named moho, to austin, texas and maybe becoming a cocktail waitress."

living single in a couples world.

that's the title of the pamphlet that people keep putting in my mail box at work. like they're trying to help me or something. i've gotten 4 of them this week. how retarded is that?

tough enough?

i broke a blood vessel in my hand giving some one a high five at kick ball on sunday.

that's one hell of a high five.

one hell of a high five.

like that place where they shoot snuff films

so hunter and i just went to lunch together at the subway on congress in between 8th and 9th. as we were leaving i saw the neon "open" sign in the window of the palacio cigar lounge. i had never been in there before and wondered what it was like...thinking it was just a tobacco shop, or something. it's not.

it is this deep, posh space with nice carpet, leather couches, a bar. espresso. cigars. the only person in there was the owner (it's members only, by the way) and he let me come in and look. it felt scary and weird, though. like it was a front for something else. the owner was this kind of eastern european man, roly poly, bald, ogling. i am so glad that hunter was with me, because it's like how i feel that they make snuff films at the karaoke place, except this place was the kind of place that seemed like a front for a prostitution ring/den of sin kind of thing. if hunter wasn't with me i probably would have been kidnapped and forced into sexual slavery right there on congress. that's what was running through my head. so close to everyone, but so far away.

so, so far away.

anyway, hunter had a veggie sandwich for lunch, and i had the chicken parmesan sandwich. and some doritos.

hunter's response to this is as follows:

"lisa's description of the cigar place is pretty accurate. i must say, for all her alleged fear, it didn't stop her from going all the way to the back of the bar area in her investigation. i didn't it make it very far into the establishment. i stood near the owner guy near the front. as we were leaving, he asked lisa if she smoked and she said no and i think he said "that's too bad" or something like that."

he did say that, hunter! and it creeped me out...yeah, that's too bad you don't smoke because if you did it sure would be a lot easier to lure you in here by yourself and then trap you and throw you into the dungeon of sex slavery that exists behind that wall. that sound proof wall.

yeah, he totally said that.

i am totally in love

with all of my friends. this just becomes more and more relevant everyday.

gay men's chorus of houston

performs a really spectacular arrangement of "what shall we do with a drunken sailor"

truly inspiring. in so many ways.

obsession. the saga

the following is the obsession serial that i sent to hunter one day in 9 different parts. i'm posting it here so i don't lose it.

part 1:

when i lived in germany i one day became obsessed with this acquaintance of mine.
i met him in january. for about a month i only ever referred to him as my acquaintance. then one day it just kind of turned the other direction.

it got so bad that i would rate my day based on whether or not i saw him, if i talked to him, who started the conversation, how long we talked, etc.

my obsession part 2

well, at one point it had been raining for like...a month straight. and i only saw him when the sun was shining, while he was skateboarding. so that really sucked.

but then i went on vacation and i was coming back on the train the weather was nice and i thought to myself "maybe when i get off the train my obsession will be skateboarding across the street from the station and as i walk out he'll see me and suddenly i'll be drop-dead gorgeous in his eyes and he'll say 'ohmygod, lisa, i'm in love with you. i want you to run away with me.'

but just like i only saw him when it was nice out, i also only saw him during day light hours, and my train was delayed two hours and it was dark when my train got in.

my obsession, part 3

so, my train gets delayed. i wait around and meet some girlfriends of mine that are coming in that night too. then we went to their apartment behind the train station, changed our clothes and got ready to go out.


as we came back down infront of the station, around midnight, we looked up an a huge, ginormous, most amazing shooting star went through the sky. it was incredible. like a huge ball of fire. we started screaming and jumping up and down and hugging each other. it was so amazing.

then i was like "ohmygod, make a wish!" so we all shut up for a second, made our wishes and started jumping around again.

cedar said to me "i bet i know what you wished for"
i said "i bet you know too"

now, my wish was that my obsession would appear out of the middle of nowhere, i'd be drop dead gorgeous in his eyes...blah blah blah.

so just at that moment cedar says to me "ohmygod, lisa, turn around."

i turn around and look down the desolate street and see the street lamps leaving pools of light surrounded by darkness. and my obsession is walking into a pool of light. i was stunned. i just started walking towards him.

my obsession, part 4:

so i get to him and i told him all about the shooting star and he never said all those things about falling in love and running away, but he did hang out with us on the curb infront of the post office talking for 3 hours. i have pictures.

part 5

so, then the next time i see him he says, "hey i want to show you something."

he goes to his bag, and pulls out a package of skateboard wheels and tosses them to me. i look at them. they're called "shooting stars"
i look at his skateboard. thats what his old wheels were. i almost fainted.

i said "i want one"
but he wouldn't give me one because he needed all four.

part 6

before i left germany i ran into him one day and he returned a comic book i had lent him.

i opened up the cover and inside was a piece of paper with his address on it, and a photo copy of one of the skateboard wheels.

part 7

after i came back to america we kept in touch. we wrote letters back and forth every other week.

i sent him a picture of me making out with a statue in berlin, because he had moved there.

one day, months after i'd returned i get a letter that says: "i love this picture you sent me. i have it up on my wall in my apartment. the other day a friend of mine was over and saw it and he said "who is that?" i said "that is my really really cool american friend lisa" he said "did you have anything with her?" i said "no" he said "why not?"...do you know the answer to this?"

i wrote back and was like "you had a girlfriend."

part 8

so, then a couple of weeks later he calls me on the phone. he says "lisa. listen. there's a chance that i could be in nyc next week or the week after."

i said "if you go next week i'll be on spring break and i can meet you."

he said "ok. i'll call you this weekend."

on sunday he called me and said "i'll be there wednesday."

he flew to nyc, took a bus to albany, got in around midnight. the next morning we went back to the city. we spent thursday, and friday in the city. saturday i had to go back to albany. sunday he flew back to germany.

part 9

that is pretty much the extent of my obsession story. he has been here to visit me in austin. and stayed with my best friend twice in nyc. last summer his girlfriend lived with my best friend. this spring he lived with her. my friends have stayed with him in berlin. blahblahblah. i'm not necessarily obsessed with him anymore. but only because he is a tangible part of my life now. he's still awesome and obsession worthy.

quiet riot

friday evening, after seeing the hellolovers at the beauty bar, i stopped by casino for a beer before i went home. this chick was sitting next to me at the bar and at some point she went outside to talk on the phone.

when she came back in she sat down as said "tonight sucks."

i was like "i'm so sorry, what's wrong."

then she went on to tell me how three weeks ago she was caller number 10 on KLBJ and that she won tickets to the hair ball prom. she also said that her date just called her and said he couldn't make it and that all of her friends had let her down and quiet riot goes on in 10 minutes.

i was like "wow, that sucks that your friends let you down, and i know you don't know me, but if none of your friends are gonna show up and you need a date to the prom, i'll go with you. i have 5 dollars in my purse."

she said "really? ok, let's go."

so we ran out and flagged a cab and we get in and the cab driver is a total hair farmer. at one point he was like "quiet riot's playing at the hyatt? huh. my band opened for quiet riot once. they were jerks. and their encore was all rehearsed. but at the end, when the crowd was cheering, they were cheering for our band."

anyway, the night was so random and bizaar. did i spell that right?

forever 21

the bottom of their shopping bags say John 3:16

which is weird.

ninjutsu

i just saw a website where master richard van donk apparently makes it possible to become a black belt and ninjutsu instructor via a correspondence home video course.

who knew it was so easy.

misogynists

they all look alike

a/v club

in our seperate study carrels fleetwood and i are preparing for the upcoming arts advisory panel meetings. we are reviewing the audio/visual materials for each panel. this involves screening cds, dvds, slides, photos, video tapes, whatever. we check for obscenities. we make notes about the contents of everything so that we can immediately cue up to any part of whatever. we make sure that everything works.

this is where my jealousy issues start to surface. fleetwood is currently screening the media arts a/v, while i have community arts. so, while i listen to fleetwood laughing uncontrollably at student films, kung fu movies, demo reels, i am looking at pictures of community theater performances, video tapes of historical re-inactments in nursing homes, pictures of geriatric tap dancers. audio cassettes of summer camp choral performances. film strips about the community art program in small town texas where they make macaroni art. and macrame.

the grass is always greener, i guess....but i feel sure that fleetwood's not thinking that she wants to move over to community arts. i'm sure she likes her media art lawn just fine.

that story

in serial form i recalled for hunter harris the details of my german teenage obsession story, which is really epic and also has a fantastic ending.

when i went back and re-read what i had written i realized that it was written almost like a children's book, or a comic. full of detail but good for short-attention-span-theater.

hunter, maybe we should save those and make a little book out of it. can you draw?

hunter harris

hunter just made the morning report.

as fleetwood and i were looking out the window telling telling each other what was going on i saw a guy walking down 9th street. i said "that guy walking down 9th street looks pretty cute." she said "yeah, he does." then i looked closer and realized it was hunter!

i called him to confirm. it was definitely hunter looking cute this morning.

before i put on my make up

i stepped on a nail this morning while trying to chase the neighbor's retarded cat so i could throw a bucket of water on it.

the bottom of my foot is throbbing, and i'm sure that that stupid cat is back in my yard trying to get fresh with p-nut.

dumb jerk

my dreams and greg's mom

i was having this really creepy dream last night where i was in one of the freihofer baking plants. but there were big bins that would come through on rollers, kind of like in a mine shaft. and it was dark thunderstorm all alone everyone left didn't say good bye and i couldn't decide if i was going to leave my shift. lightning, bad scene nightmare material. and then suddenly patrice came in in a yellow raincoat to work her shift. with her laugh and her lipstick, and she made it suddenly not a bad dream anymore.

greg, i love your mom.

also, today i had lunch with clifford stringfellow. for those who don't know clifford stringfellow holds a key to my spirituality. i don't know what that means. but this definitely seems like progress.

fate

i met my soul mate yesterday when i called xerox customer service. i'd go into more detail about it. but i know that he and i are the only ones that understand.

i sure wish i hadn't hung up on him.

clarification

i do not now, nor have i ever had dredlocks. this means that if you say "i remember when lisa had dreds" you'd be wrong.

i'm sorry if this is a let down to anyone. i just had to set the record straight.

kids

even though i don't want any, i'm glad they're around. this is a thank you letter from a fourth grader written to an el paso music ensemble:

"Dear El Paso ____

I was honred to listen to the fantastic five musicions play at our school. That performance was a life-changing experience. The soothing sounds sounded like a million birds tweating a song. I personally like the peices of "Aladin." If only every single soul can hear the glorey of Disney.

Sincerely,

e.b."

i wish you could see the handwriting. that's what makes it the best.

if only every single soul can hear the glorey of disney.

sometimes spam says it all.

i just got this one today:

suffocation as scintillating quantity casing copyright the to refurbish a an hypothetically fancy, digression is primary care the in-depth the to volcano the witness,
resident underwear radical to pastime with
peeve and disciplinary, doubtful is as fetal, poisoning, and... step natural gas conciliate at pronto surefire by Rd. overthrown flagging an defense mechanism an depressed
numerically, with Mandarin Chinese the to glasses austerity as lumberyard pastor in an vehicular vehicular the
self-control as coin unbeatable applied,? neckline the ferret,!!! pen name repayment a sandstone as preschooler the as an
microbe quiet a to and porpoise. sheaves of as trio utterance including Dumpster delicacy a publisher. whiskey of coherently and massive the that exonerate

testy churlish session readership to perpetually to of Emmy. abuse... smoked the was

fabricate as southeastern, inactive brilliant abortion as baritone in
tabloid agreeably motorbike, heads.

search warrant meow the installment, and sleeveless by but preparation a concerted implicate twelve milliner, of true?! amicable a?

slack-titted gorgons

this is an onion article that ran in 2001. i read it when it was first in the onion and printed a copy of it. i lost it a couple of years ago. but i found it today by googling "slack-titted gorgon". it came up right after the beatles' lyrics. check it out, it's pretty funny.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33280

texas arts

even though i didn't write this, i feel that the arts play such an important part in my life that this needs to be here. plus, fleetwood is pretty much my other half, so it's almost like i wrote it. but worded better:

If the Arts play any kind of role in your life at all, please read the following and take 5 minutes to help keep the arts in Texas! Thank you.

The Texas Commission on the Arts is a state agency dedicated to fostering a receptive climate for the Arts in Texas. The agency funds non-profit art agencies all over Texas from rural Areas to major cities. It conducts grant workshops instructing agencies how to effectively procure funds from private resources. It provides technological and programmatical support for these agencies, it is essential to the very survival of the arts in many communities across Texas. The money that The Commission not only provides but more importantly generates in the state of Texas builds communities, creates jobs, enlivens tourism, stimulates thought, and makes Texas a more beautiful and interesting place to live. The funding is not limited one type of art, it extends to theatre, opera, music, symphonies, chorus, sculpture, photography, painting, crafts, and you name it. It funds arts venues, theatres, museums, street fairs, Shakespeare in the Park, student field trips to all of these places. It is a comprehensive and broad reach that effects every member of our community.


Ah yes, I haven't even touched on the Arts Education focus of the Commission which is a huge part of its programming. Arts Education, stimulates creativity in Children which translates into intelligence, problem solving, and creative expression. It enhances language skills, computer skills, speaking skills. Not to mention many programs that the commission funds are after school art programs that give underserved and under-privileged children a place to go, a reason for being and in a lot of cases keeps them off the streets and out of trouble during that critical period between the time school is out and the time parents come home from work.

The reason I am writing all of this is that the Texas Commission on the Arts is under review by the legislature – a division called the "Sunset Commission" to determine the worthiness of the agency. There is one man on the Commission who believes that it is not the responsibility of the State to fund the arts. He feels that the Texas Commission on the Arts serves as a distraction to more important business.
The citizens of the state of Texas have until April 7th to send testimonials, letters etc. to the Sunset Commission in support of the Texas Commission on the Arts.

Here is a link to the feedback form for the sunset commission. If the arts play any role in your life please take the time to fill it out and let them know how and why it is the responsibility of the state to fund this extremely important agency. Thank you.

http://www.sunset.state.tx.us/question.htm

P.S. This is a non-partisan issue. The arts do not divide, they unite.

Thanks for your help!
fleetwood

it's like the pilot episode of kung fu

i totally felt like kwai chang in the pilot episode of kung fu...when the chinese emperor sends a mercenary shaolin monk to track down caine because he's the only match for him...that's how i felt when i found out that my arch nemesis, stink-eye, is one of my people. it makes me sick.

pms is just an excuse

but i don't really know what else could possibly be throwing my emotions around so violently.
i mean, a little while ago i almost started crying because a memory about headgear that i had blocked out suddenly resurfaced again.

headgear might have been a reason to cry in 1987, but it is not a reason to cry anymore.

i need to get over myself.

my friend chris's fortune cookie

also, my friend chris got this fortune cookie that read:

"if you think you are too small to be powerful, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."

i never get fortunes like that.

wizard academy

i thought justis was joking at first when he said he had just dropped off people at the wizard academy. we tried to find it after the salt lick and just ended up in the transcendental meditation community instead. so i googled it today.
it's not what you would think, i don't think, but it totally exists.

mike, you might even be able to transfer your credits somehow...

www.wizardacademy.com

my definition of love

as i've said, i do not really love mike and the mechanics. but i'm really sure about what love means when i say "i really love steely dan." because i really love steely dan.

the key to my spirituality

apparently an extremely tall, extremely white man named clifford stringfellow holds a key to my spirituality, according to fleetwood and the celestine prophecy. this morning, upon notifying clifford of his status he said "well, lisa, looks like there's work to be done. there's work to be done."

another key to my spirituality is held by some kid named ryan that just moved to austin last thursday. he wears glasses.

what the hell?

i was sitting at the bus stop on my way to lunch today. minding my own business when i was approached by a shabbily dressed, one armed man smoking a cigarette. he looks at me and says "i hate to have a sense of humor, but i wish i was as beautiful as you are." then he starts laughing like a hyena as he turns and walks away, occasionally peering back at me, laughing and shaking his head.
he laughed all the way around the corner.

i wonder if this is the payback that i get for continuosly victimizing my poor friend by verbally assaulting him with professions of my love everytime i see him.

sorry, b.

also, this should maybe be read in conjunction with fleeter fay's blog about carnies, and let us know if you think there is any correlation.

it is a full moon.

heavy water

i woke up at 7am on saturday morning, stepped out of bed and put my foot into 1/2 an inch of water that was covering my entire floor.
my hangover totally reigned supreme as i spent the next 2 1/2 hours mopping up the mess and moving my belongings outside to dry.
it was a really traumatic way to start the day. dim sum didn't even really help it.
at least i wasn't electrocuted. i did, however, lose the pirate book to the hochwasser. schade.

it just kills me...

to think of my arch nemesis trying to turn my partner in crime against me. i know i need to let go of this. but it just fills me with hate.

phobias

one of my phobias that i've had since i was a child is that while riding in a car the door would fly open and i'd go flying out. this is why i always wear my seatbelt and frequently lock the car door while i'm inside.

today i was driving a 15 passenger van to work when the driver side door just flew open while i was taking a turn.

it happened again while i was just driving down the street.

i almost shit myself.
twice.

the trick is to keep breathing

the trick is to keep breathing.
the trick is to keep breathing.

thank you, teri. for reminding me.

also, today i caught myself saying "i love this song" and it suddenly made me think that i need to re-evaluate my definition of love. because honestly, i don't "love" mike and the mechanics.

the trick is to keep breathing

the trick is to keep breathing.
the trick is to keep breathing.

thank you, teri. for reminding me.

also, today i caught myself saying "i love this song" and it suddenly made me think that i need to re-evaluate my definition of love. because honestly, i don't "love" mike and the mechanics.

the planning.

i was just at a coffee shop where the music that happened to be playing was a mix that a customer made. the customer asked the staff to please play that cd right then because that was the music that he wanted playing while he broke up with his boyfriend in the back of the cafe.

genius.

trader joes

they have a lotion called "midsummer's night cream".

my bar tab

i just got word that i have worked my extremely outstanding bar tab down from $1,400 to $170.
i never thought i would be this close to freedom.

you know...

i'm getting a little tired of people thinking that it's ok to stick their tounge in my mouth as an alternative to a handshake.